Saturday, 19 April 2014


I cried alone today, at working site.

Shit happens as always, just that the pressure was too much today.

When the pressure in your life exceeded the designed pressure you can endure in your mind, then one of the thing that flung on in your mind is to quit. Same like a computer unable to handled the computation, it crashes.

But life does not permit one to just simply quit.

In 1986 a football team that lived on a little island in the south of Thailand called "Koh Panyee". It's a floating village in the middle of the sea that has not an inch of soil. The kids here loved to watch football but had nowhere to play or practice. But they didn't let that stop them. They challenged the norm and have become a great inspiration for new generations on the island.

The pressure is real and living.

And you might not get the benefit of your hardwork at the present time.

You'll question, how come others among you are so well lovely, with money and assets but living as if in paradise while you, stinking in your drenched-sweat shirt, absorbed in your hardwork trying to earn a living.

You got to travel far from your home to workplace, yet you have to work on late.

The salary you got ain't bigger than your friends, who lived a more relaxed comfort life.

Then you ask yourself why? How come?

Among the deepest fears, the deepest cut of pain, the coldest tears, you ask yourself why you did it in the first place?

Then you realised.

You do it for heartwork. This hardlife hard times, are meant for your heartwork.

You put your heart, your best effort into your work, and at this time, shit still happens.

Go on. Don't stop your heartwork.

The small pay you get from your heartwork exceeds all. It's nothing but a masterpiece.

Do something. Don't just talk. Don't just comment. Do something.

Turn your life into a heartwork. It'll be hardwork. But it is beautiful.

Sunday, 13 April 2014

so far so good so what?

song : Search - Isi Atau Kulit
Local Malaysia rock band.
from their first album “Cinta Buatan Malaysia”, year 1985.

Slayer - Black Magic

Slayer - Chemical Warfare

Sunday, 6 April 2014

leave me alone

This post is reupdated on May 1st 2014, the first writing was done previously when Comot and Bubu was picked up from my house and was abandoned. I have rescued them then, but the sad thing happened again,this time Bubu and Comot was picked up from my house and was abandoned at Pasar Kajang last Monday 28 April 2014.. The reason was very private, and I'm devastated truly by all events that happened this week.
This time, I couldn't rescue them anymore as I wasn't allowed to keep Bubu and Comot in my home.

I'm trying to find peace and solace for this "forced" loss, and remembered, all loss are forced. Loss is nothing that we want, it is something forced upon us.

We, as humans, we dedicate our lives for preventing losses. And still, loss continues to be forced upon us.
I'm truly convinced, no matter how close you are with someone, no matter how hard you try to please, no matter how much we like someone, everyone are just as bastard as anyone could be.

And so, I remembered back those times when I was alone at Dubai, Bintulu and other places I've worked with, it was alone.

Then I am reminded by an inner voice, I was alone anyway. I was alone when I came to this earth, and I shall depart alone as well.

And so, there's no need to pussyfoot others. To hell with them. Just leave me alone.

Bubu, Comot. I know God will take care of you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. And know that I miss you.

You kittens will be in paradise someday, but I'm not sure if I will. Sorry. Miss you.

"Tears in Heaven" is a ballad written by Eric Clapton and Will Jennings about the pain Clapton felt following the death of his four-year-old son, Conor, who fell from a window of the 53rd-floor New York apartment of his mother's friend, on March 20, 1991. Clapton, who arrived at the apartment shortly after the accident, was visibly distraught for months afterwards. This song is one of Clapton's most successful, reaching #2 on the Billboard Hot 100 singles chart in the U.S. The song also spent three weeks at #1 on the American adult contemporary chart in 1992.

"Tears In Heaven"

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door,
There's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven.

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven. 

The whole story of Conor Clapton (story 'behind' the tears in heaven)

Rambut Bubu oren macam dik conor clapton.

Thursday, 3 April 2014

Al Ma'un

Notice that the mosque is "big", with pretty monuments and all, and yet some starving guy with no money, had to steal...and was punished heavily?...(no more words to say)

Have you seen the one who denies the Recompense?


For that is the one who drives away the orphan

And does not encourage the feeding of the poor.

So woe to those who pray

[But] who are heedless of their prayer -

Those who make show [of their deeds]

And withhold [simple] assistance.

"Aqidah memang tidak boleh dijualbeli tetapi mudah tergadai tanpa sedar. Masjid banyak duit. Tetapi pengurusan masjid buat duit masjid macam duit mereka sendiri. Curi rm2 kena penjara. Mungkin yg melidi duit tabung tu dalam kesempitan sangat. 

Aku pernah masuk gereja dekat komplek Asia Jaya. Ada kotak transparent atas meja. Ada buku catitan sebelah kotak. Dalam kotak tak bertutup ada banyak duit macam2 note. Aku belek buku. Lima ruang utk diisi. Tarikh, Nama, no tel, jumlah, catitan.

Berbagai kaum punya nama ada dan memang aku mencari nama melayu. Jumpa beberapa nama siap nombor talipon. Salah satu nama lelaki ambil rm50 utk beli susu anak.
Aku call no yg dicatat. Sembang bbrp minit. Baru kena berhenti kerja jaga masa tu.
"Dah jumpa pak imam masjid. Kena buat surat ke bendahari. Bendahari pula suruh gi pejabat zakat. Sampai pejabat zakat kena isi itu ini. Entah bila pula nak dapat. Kawan india suruh pi gereja. Boleh terus ambik kemudian baru tulis nama.

Saya pun pergi tempat tu dgn dia."
Kenapa encik ambik limapuluh je. Bukan ada orang jaga pun?
"entahlah. Tapi walaupun takde orang jaga tapi Allah nampak walaupun dalam gereja. Niat saya memang nak beli susu anak dan sikit utk tambang pusing2 cari kerja."

Terdiam aku sekejap. Lepas tu encik?
"Saya terus pergi beli susu anak dan balik rumah dgn nasi bungkus malam lima beranak. Pagi esok gereja talipon dan lepas tu saya pun dapat kerja jadi jaga di gereja tu. Takpa la asal tak mencuri."

Aku langsung teringat pada sorang pakcik yg sedang ronda tempat parking masa tu. Encik masih kerja di situ?

"Dak dah. Saya dah balik kampung ni. Gereja bagi modal. La ni saya meniaga gerai makan. "

Masjid patut boleh buat lebih baik dari gereja. Jangan bangga dengan jumlah terkumpul ratusan ribu tp ahli qariah ada yg dapur tak berasap"

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

love (update 3 April 2014)

my little orange baby is having a swollen eye.

He no longer leaps nor runs happily, he just laid there sickly.

i cleared some thick yellowish purulent from his eyes. i could sense his intense pain and discomfort.

the only movement he made is reaching out his orange arms to touch me.

went to few clinics but they were all closed.

I guess it's been a while that i haven't shed tears out of love.

Pls god, save this little baby of mine.

update 3 April 2014 :

syukur alhamdulilah. he's fine now.

running and leaping.

thank u God.