Sunday, 28 May 2017

one eyed man in the kingdom of the blind


You learn about life by the accidents you have, over and over again, and your father is always in your head when that stuff happens. 

Writing, most of the time, for most people, is an accident and your father is there for that, too. 

You know, I taught writing for a while and whenever somebody would tell me they were going to write about their dad, I would tell them they might as well go write about killing puppies because neither story was going to work. It just doesn't work. Your father won't let it happen. - Kurt Vonnegut, taken from Wikiquote



Photo Source : https://www.saatchiart.com/art-collection/Painting/Red-poppies-black-white/284916/49193/view, Drawing by Amanda Dawg

Last Tuesday

Fell off from my motorbike during a ride. Scratches everywhere, but no bleeding, thankfully.
Hurt my knees terribly.

Laid in my bed that day with immense pain while reading social media.

A lot of idle talks on a certain  lady whom commented about 11 year old actress who wear tudung.

Actually I wanted to join the comment, but hell, the pain in my knees was immense. 
So I kept quiet.
And it was wise.

Then ponder things through, there are few things that made people not commenting on popular things, or even talk about it.

1. Immense pain
2. Terrified and full of fear about something, having no money and debt also falls into this.
3. Hunger
4. Tiredness 
5. Busyness from work, responsibility or activity.

And actually, I realised, if you write on social media of some issues for instance, you are free from those five things that you now have idle time to talk about it.

Hence, you should be thankful that you are free from those. 

If you are a Muslim, "Alhamdulilah". If you embraced other religion, praise to God. If you're an atheist, you should feel thankful, and embrace the free-ness from those five things.



Photo Source : http://images.fineartamerica.com/images-medium-large-5/poppy-fields-2-black-and-white-gill-billington.jpg

Abandoned fields

I was taken by this words from the band Converge.

"My barren plan to be a better man rots in abandoned fields"

The night before Ramadan the first, my usual musalla/surau (place of prayer, smaller than mosque) held their first tarawih/terawih prayer of year 2017. They did 20 rakaat of terawih, and the people were numerous, that they had to make a temporary camp outside the surau to compensate the coming of more than usual attendance of people to the surau.

By the time of the completion of 8 rakaat, many people had go off (there were traditions of praying only 8 rakaat of terawih), but I was surprised that there were still many peopl following the terawih prayer of 20 rakaat until the end. I felt lucky I was one of those that night.

The next day, it was Ramadan the 1st.

To my surprise, I felt extreme tiredness after my Maghrib prayer (by then we had open fast), that I went back home. 

I went back for the Isyak prayer, but, shamefully, my knees, felt terrible, that I went back home without praying Terawih.

I felt asleep. Wife came home after work around 10pm, but after greeting her, I went back to sleep.

Both of us woke up at 7am, without having our sahur today, and missing our Subuh prayer.

Personally I think, maybe I did something wrong in the past, and for sure this is a test whether I can still stay positive despite the predicaments, because whatever it is, the deeds that is accepted is an honest one, (Ikhlas), despite all the despair that felt like being abandoned on barren fields.


Somewhere there's a reason
Why things go like they do
Somewhere there's a reason
Why somethings just fall through
We don't always see them
For what they really are
But I know there's a reason,
Just can't see it from this far

Maybe I don't like it, but I have no choice
I know that somewhere, someone hears my voice

I thought I knew it all
I thought I had it made
How could it end this way?
I thought I knew

Somewhere there's a reason
Why things don't go my way
Somewhere there's a reason
That I cannot explain
Just like the change of season,
Just may not be my turn
But I know there's a reason,
The lesson's mine to learn

Note : The "one-eyed man in the kingdom of the blind" was from a quote in Kurt Vonnegut's novel, Player Piano.

"Almost nobody's competent, Paul. It's enough to make you cry to see how bad most people are at their jobs. If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in the kingdom of the blind.

Monday, 22 May 2017

the allurement of charles bukowski


Even though I'm thirty five this year, I felt that I still don't know much about life and its path of glory and tragedies, but yesterday caused me to make a guesswork that God is beautiful, as life is mega itself.

I was miserable, mourning the loss of Gomi, and went to Net to find solace, and somehow found a treasure of beauty in the work of Charles Bukowski.

Maybe life that is God's work are like thorny roses. Sometimes it cuts deep, but over sometime you are captivated by the allurement of it all.


https://www.poemhunter.com/charles-bukowski/poems/

http://www.mmryan.net/archive/writing/bukowskicharles/shortstories.html


Charles Bukowski - So You Want To Be A Writer

if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was. 


I also found this charming blog as well. http://waitbutwhy.com/

This poem of "So You Want To Be A Writer"  shook my insides, and somehow strengthen my unrelentless resolve for this blog, of not needing to be famous, viral or all those shit. Just write, because of the my own fascination of words and ideas, no matter how lame it is.

If you read Charles Bukowski's work, you'll be astounded by the fact that most of his poem doesn't have metaphors, it is more like a story writing. And if you are interested more about him, you can wikipedia-ed him and search for his life story, that shapes much of his approach.

I find that it is pure, and honest. Pure, beautifully pure without hypocrisy.

Charles Bukowski - A Smile To Remember

we had goldfish and they circled around and around
in the bowl on the table near the heavy drapes
covering the picture window and
my mother, always smiling, wanting us all
to be happy, told me, 'be happy Henry!'
and she was right: it's better to be happy if you
can
but my father continued to beat her and me several times a week while
raging inside his 6-foot-two frame because he couldn't
understand what was attacking him from within.

my mother, poor fish,
wanting to be happy, beaten two or three times a
week, telling me to be happy: 'Henry, smile!
why don't you ever smile?'

and then she would smile, to show me how, and it was the
saddest smile I ever saw

one day the goldfish died, all five of them,
they floated on the water, on their sides, their
eyes still open,
and when my father got home he threw them to the cat
there on the kitchen floor and we watched as my mother
smiled


Charles Bukowski - Be Kind

we are always asked
to understand the other person's
viewpoint
no matter how
out-dated
foolish or
obnoxious.

one is asked
to view
their total error
their life-waste
with
kindliness,
especially if they are
aged.

but age is the total of
our doing.
they have aged
badly
because they have
lived
out of focus,
they have refused to
see.

not their fault?

whose fault?
mine?

I am asked to hide
my viewpoint
from them
for fear of their
fear.

age is no crime

but the shame
of a deliberately
wasted
life

among so many
deliberately
wasted
lives

is.


Charles Bukowski - The Genius of The Crowd

there is enough treachery, hatred violence absurdity in the average
human being to supply any given army on any given day

and the best at murder are those who preach against it
and the best at hate are those who preach love
and the best at war finally are those who preach peace

those who preach god, need god
those who preach peace do not have peace
those who preach peace do not have love

beware the preachers
beware the knowers
beware those who are always reading books
beware those who either detest poverty
or are proud of it
beware those quick to praise
for they need praise in return
beware those who are quick to censor
they are afraid of what they do not know
beware those who seek constant crowds for
they are nothing alone
beware the average man the average woman
beware their love, their love is average
seeks average

but there is genius in their hatred
there is enough genius in their hatred to kill you
to kill anybody
not wanting solitude
not understanding solitude
they will attempt to destroy anything
that differs from their own
not being able to create art
they will not understand art
they will consider their failure as creators
only as a failure of the world
not being able to love fully
they will believe your love incomplete
and then they will hate you
and their hatred will be perfect

like a shining diamond
like a knife
like a mountain
like a tiger
like hemlock

their finest art




Sunday, 21 May 2017

the last look / takut dan harap (fear and hope)



Kucing aku, Gomi, lay lifeless this morning. Aku tanam mayat dia di belakang rumah. Dia sedang sarat mengandung, semalam, aku nampak dia terbaring berdarah dan basah depan rumah, so aku masukkan dia ke dalam kotak. Jangkaan aku dan wife, dia dah nak beranak. Tak sangka pula dia dah pergi, kemungkinan besar complication of birth.



Wife aku komen tentang semalam, cara Gomi pandang aku dan wife aku dengan agak sayu. That last look. Mungkin by then Gomi dah tahu dia nak "pergi". Tapi by then apa yang dia boleh buat pun.




Aku teringatkan arwah ayah aku, dan last look dia. Before he passed away, dia tak sedar dalam wad ICU, and awoke a couple of days before he passed away. Tapi by then, dia dah ada "thousand yard stare".


Petang tu dalam pukul 6pm, tiba2 dia peluk aku lama2 dalam 5-10 minit begitu, kemudian dia peluk adik aku pula lama2. Tapi dia tak berkata sepatah pun. Dari petang tu sampai pukul 11 malam, last aku tengok dia sebelum balik, dia hanya "pandang jauh" / thousand yard stare. Dia meninggal pukul 3am malam tu.



Ada orang mati mengejut/sudden death, ada juga yang mati sakit yang terpaksa tahan lama sakit, seperti ayah aku dan Gomi. Apa ada dalam pikiran mereka ketika itu?



Aku rasa, some who died by pain (bukan mati mengejut), will somehow know that their time has come. Dan masa tu apa yang rasa hanyalah takut dan harap. Kau dah tak mampu nak buat apa, berserah, dan an overwhelming takut dan harap menyelubungi.



Imam Ghazali tulis pasal takut dan harap ni panjang lebar as a chapter dalam kitab Ihya Ulumiddin dia.



Dulu, ada seorang atheis (dia panggil diri dia Mulhid Melayu) nak debate pasal Tuhan, kitab tahafut al filasafah, etc. Tapi aku tak jadi nak berborak dengan dia. By then, pada opinion aku, hidup beragama ni, atau kau nak percaya Tuhan ada atau tidak, bergantung pada takut dan harap dalam diri. Logic and knowledge lebih pada penguat untuk percaya/faith. Kalau kau tengah sedap2 duduk kerusi layan online berdebat, tak mungkin dapat manfaat kalau tak ada takut dan harap.



Dan banyak benda agama ni berdiri pada takut dan harap.



Moga2 kita ikhlas dalam hidup kita.



Nota : Dalam nak menceriakan keadaan tadi, aku tengok channel Disney XD 617, tapi last2 tersedih juga bila tengok Grami Circus Show, sebab teringat Gomi.



Grami's Circus Show - yup, I shed tears watching this cartoon today.

Saturday, 20 May 2017

moses prayer

First, I apologize to you if this is Islamic preachy. For I myself hate being preachy as I find those who are preachy are damned outright boring.


I write this because I want to memorialise this, and maybe share it with you, if you may somehow might find it thoughtful.


And so, yesterday's night, after the Maghrib prayer, there was this occasional weekly Islamic Quran tafsir class, and yesterday the Islamic teacher was explaining on the verse 67 to 73 Al Baqarah.



I'm not going into detail all that he taught, but I will write here one "knowledge" which I found quite profound.

And [recall] when Moses said to his people, "Indeed, Allah commands you to slaughter a cow." They said, "Do you take us in ridicule?" He said, "I seek refuge in Allah from being among the ignorant." - Verse 67 Al Baqarah.
And so the story was that there was someone in Israel who was murdered. People found the dead body, and they disputed about whom killed the man.
And they bought their dispute to Prophet Moses.

Hence, when Prophet Moses informed them that God commanded them to sacrifice a cow, they felt their question not being answered directly, hence why they said,

They said, "Do you take us in ridicule?" 

What did Prophet Moses do when the Israelis replied this back to him? Did he tried to explain back, did he tried to debate back?

Instead the Prophet Moses prayed,

He said, "I seek refuge in Allah from being among the ignorant." 

The Prophet Moses did not try to explain much but instead prayed as per mentioned.

What happen was, the Israelis then realised, Prophet Moses was being serious, hence they further inquired about the sacrifice as per Verse 68 to 75.

I find this profound, in this world where there's a lot of debates, opinions, idle talks and people questioning each other.

You can find this link explaining about this story as well.
https://www.al-islam.org/enlightening-commentary-light-holy-quran-vol-1/section-8

Friday, 19 May 2017

think for yourself




(Note : Think for yourself who is meant by "he" in this song)


Room A Thousand Years Wide


Listen, hear, he is inside
One who lives while others lie
I close my eyes and walk a thousand years
A thousand years that aren't mine


It seems he's near me as I walk
One who loved what love denied
He lives these years that I walk blind
All these years cannot be mine


(Chorus)
Tomorrow begat tomorrow...

A thousand doors a thousand lies
Rooms a thousand years wide
He walks in the cold sun and wind
All these years will not begin

(Chorus)
Tomorrow begat tomorrow...



Anyhow, Chris Cornell passed away last May 17 2017.



Soundgarden - Superunknown

If this isn't what you see
It doesn't make you blind
If this doesn't make you feel
It doesn't mean you've died
Where the river's high
Where the river's high

If you don't want to be seen
You don't have to hide
If you don't want to believe
You don't have to try
To feel alive

Alive in the superunknown
First it steals your mind
And then it steals your soul

If this doesn't make you free
It doesn't mean you're tied
If this doesn't take you down
It doesn't mean you're high
If this doesn't make you smile
You don't have to cry
If this isn't making sense
It doesn't make it lies

Alive in the superunknown
First it steals your mind
And then it steals your soul

Get yourself afraid
Get yourself alone
Get yourself contained
Get yourself control

Alive in the superunknown

First it steals your mind
And then it steals your... soul

Wednesday, 10 May 2017

icicles trapped in stones

Jan Davidsz. de Heem - Vase of Flowers, 1660
 /
 /
Last Tuesday 9 May 2017, there was a horrific accident happened at Cheras Taman Connaught highway, where two 16-year-old boys on motorcycle, were hit by a lorry, they fell down, and one of the kid got dragged by a nearby van for some distance before stopping.
I don't want to comment about kids riding without licence, as I think people are smart enough to know those kind of things.

The 16-year-old kid who died, also have the name as mine, Firdaus, and somehow it was the son of a close friend/neighbour to my father/mother in-law. The mother knew me and my wife, blessed us with her prayers on our wedding day.

So we went on Wednesday to the funeral at the Cheras mosque. My father/mother in law were at the hosptal from early morning with the bereaved mother.

Funeral at mosque for Malaysian Muslims usually involve the jenazah prayer, and the subsequent burial of the deceased. Usually in accident cases, the body is "bathed" at hospital, as additional care is needed involving body that is much affected by the accident.

We prayed our Zohor prayer, then we prayed for the jenazah prayer. I saw more than 4 "saf" (lining of people in the mosque), meaning there are more than 40 people who prayed for the kid. His school friends, relatives, neighbours, the male Muslims all prayed in the jenazah prayer.

Johannes Vermeer - The Milkmaid 1657–1658


During burial, I stayed only a shortwhile, then wife and I went to lunch with father/mother in law and relatives.


The mother, we knew personally, was quite pious. She had lost one children before (the girl was a person with disability), and when we saw her, she said she "accepted" the fate and said, her son was a loan from God, sometime and somewhere we will be taken away.

It was quite an impassioned sadness, to see a mother trying not to cry over her deceased child.

Imagine, seeing your cute child born, smiling as a baby whild drinking milk, playing joyfully while growing up, and years later, you held the body of your children lay lifeless. It was heartbreaking, and to see the mother trying not to cry after all this, is itself melancholic.
/
/
Salomon van Ruisdael - View of Deventer Seen from the North-West 1657
/
/
Late evening, we went to see my mom, and went back to our Subang house late at night, luckily the next day is Wesak Day holiday.
Spent quality time with my mother, had a meaningful chat.
/
/
One of the discussion we had, is on the topic of "hikmah" or wisdom.

We agree that nowadays, a lot of Malays have that enormous Islamic spirit, but very few possesses wisdom in it.

Sometimes, the problem with some people from the Islamic schools, is that they only learn Islamic knowledge without learning other worldly knowledge, and this causes them to be closed minded. They didn't know economics, sciences, etc but then, they want to talk and condemn about worldly things.

Then second, since they lack the worldly knowledge, they lack of skills, in the end, they turn to business and some other practice like pseudo-scientic medication practice for instance.
The problem arise when they incorporate Islamic element in their practice, and when criticised, is as if it was criticising religion.

And they like to debate.

One of the thing that I learned, is that, if you want to talk about something, especially Islam, you have to possess wisdom and hikmah, otherwise it will cause "fitnah" (bad things) , and you are better silent rather than talk.

And one of the ways, to obtain wisdom, is sometimes, to refrain yourself from making statements even though you are right, or even if you feel right.

For example, one of the reason why I clipped that video of Ustaz Shamsuri, and told you about the patient mother, is about this.


You don't simply say "oh be patient, auntie" to that bereaved mother, because you know she's fighting with her emotions. Don't think your simple words are "easy". Don't think that even if you are with good intention, you can say "oh be patient, auntie. that easily.


I thank God, I didn't. Simply because I myself was in great emotion seeing her that silent and that patient that I couldn't afford to say anything but just nodded down.


Jacob van Ruisdael - The Windmill at Wijk (1670)
/
Today, when I opened my FB, I just had this "heavy" feeling, while writing this. Remembered my chat with my mother, about wisdom and to refrain.

Sometimes, the beauty of refrain, holding your emotions even though the situation is powerfully emotive, is like icicles trapped in stones.

One good reading :
https://thewalrus.ca/the-benefits-of-solitude/

 
 The Cranberries - The Icicles Melt

When...
When will the icicle melt?
And when
When will the picture show end 

I should not have read the paper today
Cause a child, child he was taken away 
(Chorus)
There's a place for the baby that died
And there's a time for the mother who cried
And she will hold him in her arms sometime
Cause nine months is too long 

How could you hurt a child?
Now does this make you satisfied
I don't know what's happening to people today
When a child, he was taken away 

There's a place for the baby that died
There's a time for the mother that cried
And she will hold him in her arms sometime
Cause nine months is too long 

There's a place for the baby that died
And there's a time for the mother who cried
And you will hold him in your arms sometime
Cause nine months is too long..

Photo Source : Wikimedia Commons

Monday, 8 May 2017

oh you've forgotten yourself, dear firdaus


Today I felt that recently I've been talking too much in Social Media.

Like yesterday for instance, while waiting at the Mamak stall for :-
1. Wife coming back from workplace, nearby the Mamak stall
2. Arsenal vs Man Utd where Arsenal won 2-0 (yeay!);

I commented on Facebook on other people's pages, and sometime after posting, I had that regret and feeling that I was as silly as hell, and I started deleting some comments.

And today, even though I felt some comments were indeed good, but I thought the words were too much and excessive.

Nevertheless, one thing that I can feel ok is that those comments are with good intention.


Somehow I had this feeling, ever since I got that diabetic retinopathy thing,

that this decrease of sight is somehow related to me talking too much.

Anyhow what I say here is personal and might be wrong, so let this be my personal opinion of things,

one day I read the Quran, I read through this,

And whoever is blind in this [life] will be blind in the Hereafter and more astray in way. : Surah Isra' Verse 72
that somehow made me thought, oh my, did this diabetic retinopathy thing that happened to me, is also a sign?

Then somehow I googled the Net, of the word "blind" found in Quran, there were many verses with the "blind", but this verse struck my heart the most.

“And the one who turned away from My remembrance - for him is a confined existence, and We shall raise him blind on the Day of Resurrection.” He will say, “O my Lord, why have You raised me blind, whereas I was sighted?”- Surah Ta Ha Verse 124-125.

And so, I guess to myself, maybe this diabetic retinopathy is because I turned away much from remembering God.  My personal thought though.



 In another thought, I think being silent and not too much engagement with people, gives some kind of....I don't know what English word to describe it. That feeling of serene calm yet desolate.

And that feeling, I guess I've been blessed with since I was teenager, enables me to get the best unique pictures, the best unique sounds, different from what common folks sees and listen.

And I hope that, that is not being taken away for me.


And I believe it will not be taken away from me if I make sure that I did not forget about my own self.



Photo 1 : Jean-Honoré Fragonard, A Young Girl Reading. 1776

Photo 2 : Jean-Honoré Fragonard, The Stolen Kiss, late 1780s,

Photo 2 : Pieter Claesz, Vanitas with Violin and Glass Ball (detail); the artist is visible in the reflection, 1625

Photo 3 : Pieter Claesz, Vanitas still life. 1630

Source : Wikimedia Commons


And these Muslim Show comics are lovely.





 









Source : http://www.le-bdouin.com/category/international/english/
               https://www.facebook.com/themuslimshow/

Saturday, 6 May 2017

indebeted to tenderness

Willem Van Aelst - Stillleben mit Blumen / Still Life with Flowers (1665)

I write this as soon as I finished writing the previous entry, simply because I want to get over with those thoughts lingering in my head.

I got the idea for this entry few days ago, when my wife and I visited  my mother-in-law's house, where my sister-in-law and her newborn baby are still there, in her "pantang". (Pantang : a period after birth where the mom adheres to certain Malay guidelines for health reasons)

I was watching this Honey and Clover episode 09 after reading some books, when something struck me. I suggest you to watch this too, to understand what I'm trying to convey, especially the part on Morita and his brooch.

Willem Van Aelst - Bloemenstilleven met horloge /  Flowers in a Silver Vase (1663)

Sometimes, love will be more special, if it was done discreetly.


Sometimes, women wanted men to say things, but I think men prefers sentimental-ism in quiet ways.


I remembered when my wife and I first got married, we always talk, when we started to do things, we would talk but soon I discovered a different approach.


Sometimes I would quietly bring the dirty clothes to laundry without telling her. I know she eventually found out, but still I kept a dumb look as if I didn't care.

Sometimes I just bought that soya bean juice or strawberry yogurt that she loves, and put it in the fridge. She would be happy to find it out, and I would just reply "mmm".

Willem Van Aelst - Flower still life with a watch (1663)

I was searching for a short comic that I read some long time ago,  a silent comic with no words.

There was this old married couple, in their 50's or 60's maybe. There were no kids of them shown, persumably the kids are in college, or grown into adulthood, or maybe they didn't have any kids in the first place.

The first few pages show a dull marriage. The wife was expecting some romance from her husband, but her husband was probably too tired.

I didn't remember much about the story, but at one point, someone (not sure the wife or the hubby) bought some grapefruit.

Somehow when they tasted the grapefruit, they remembered their younger days of romance, when they always hangout at this grapefruit vineyard.

And at the end of the comic, the husband bought the grapefruit back home, and they spend their time that evening watching TV together while eating grapefruit.

It was a sweet story but I'm sorry I did not manage to story-tell you perfectly.

Grapefruit, is sweet, and in the same time, had a slight bitter taste in it, and maybe that's what love and marriage feels about.

Willem Van Aelst - Group of flowers. 1675.

And somehow today, while I was browsing for that comic, I found this beautiful gem.


The Grapefruit Syndrome



As a young wife, I learned that the taste of marriage could be sweeter if I didn’t focus on my husband’s faults. 


My husband and I had been married about two years—just long enough for me to realize that he was a normal man rather than a knight on a white charger—when I read a magazine article recommending that married couples schedule regular talks to discuss, truthfully and candidly, the habits or mannerisms they find annoying in each other. 

The theory was that if the partners knew of such annoyances, they could correct them before resentful feelings developed.


It made sense to me. I talked with my husband about the idea. After some hesitation, he agreed to give it a try.


As I recall, we were to name five things we found annoying, and I started off. 

After more than fifty years, I remember only my first complaint: grapefruit. I told him that I didn’t like the way he ate grapefruit. He peeled it and ate it like an orange! Nobody else I knew ate grapefruit like that. Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, and even eternity, watching her husband eat grapefruit like an orange? Although I have forgotten them, I’m sure the rest of my complaints were similar.


After I finished, it was his turn to tell the things he disliked about me. 

Though it has been more than half a century, I still carry a mental image of my husband’s handsome young face as he gathered his brows together in a thoughtful, puzzled frown and then looked at me with his large blue-gray eyes and said, “Well, to tell the truth, I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you, Honey.”


Gasp.


I quickly turned my back, because I didn’t know how to explain the tears that had filled my eyes and were running down my face. 

I had found fault with him over such trivial things as the way he ate grapefruit, while he hadn’t even noticed any of my peculiar and no doubt annoying ways.


I wish I could say that this experience completely cured me of fault finding. It didn’t. But it did make me aware early in my marriage that husbands and wives need to keep in perspective, and usually ignore, the small differences in their habits and personalities. 

Whenever I hear of married couples being incompatible, I always wonder if they are suffering from what I now call the Grapefruit Syndrome.



Actually I think the husband is a smart guy. 

Why?

I suggest you read again the article.

 Of course everybody has faults and defects, but that guy is smart enough to not get into a fight with his wife over some stupid magazine article recommendation.


Depeche Mode - Here Is The House

Here is the house
Where it all happened
Those tender moments
Under this roof
Body and soul come together
As we come closer together
And as it happens
It happens here
In this house

And I feel your warmth
And it feels like home
And there's someone
Calling on the telephone
Let's stay home
It's cold outside
And I have so much
To confide to you

With or without words
I'll confide everything

Here is the house
Where it all happened
Those tender moments
Under this roof
Body and soul come together
As we come closer together
And as it happens
It happens here
In this house

So we stay at home
And I'm by your side
And you know
What's going on inside
Inside my heart
Inside this house
And I just want to
Let it out for you

And I feel your warmth
And it feels like home
And I feel your warmth
And it feels like home

Here is the house
Where it all happened
Those tender moments
Under this roof
Body and soul come together
As we come closer together

Willem Van Aelst Photos of his painting, source : https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Willem_van_Aelst

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willem_van_Aelst

forgotten is yourself

Actually some thoughts were lingering in my head for the past week, about critics to those whom are from religious schools, or graduated from religious degree from local university.

Then yesterday, in Malaysia, was the unfortunate case at Johor where a group of Muslim guys went bashing a car just after Jumaat prayer. It seems that the car driver got pissed off as his car was blocked (due to people double parking for the Jumaat prayer session), then the driver went honking non stop during the prayers, infuriating the guys praying, causing some of them to bash and hit the car with stuff.

Anyhow I refrain from commenting on the Johor issue, and I refrain from writing in full that critic essay of mine.

Since my University Malaya days, I found a certain dislike to some guys from the Academy of Islamic Studies of UM. I highlighted there are some, since there are guys from that academy whom I like to hangout with, one of those is a cool guy who supported Arsenal and watch football together with me at mamak stall.

Those whom I didn't like due to few things.

lacking problem solving qualities :
mostly they are open to discussions on halal, haram, bad or good, they can talk to you endlessly about those past and present ulama views about things, but you know they can't really offer to you new solutions on real life issues, lacking problem solving qualities.

They can say to you about principles or guidelines of Islamic economy, medicine, but then only the principles/guidelines. and no more. When questioned further on the mechanicals of that, ie, on how and what to do, they don't offer much.

They can talk endlessly on guidelines, but rarely new practical ideas on the know-how.

If only they are open to studies of economy, science, if only, if only. 

tendency to see bad things at others

One Ustaz fella have this business of arranging Umrah package.

One day, he decided to extend his business for religious visit at other places than Makkah and Madinah, visiting other places at Yaman and Oman, visiting schools and graveyards, which locations are based on hearsay, to be the location of past prophets graveyards.

Then started the attack.

Using one hadith (Muhammad S.A.W sayings) of there's no musafir (journey) except for the three holy mosques, and a few hadith and excerpts from ulamas,

somehow that Ustaz was labelled as "penyembah kubur" : those who pray at the graves.

How shitty was that.

For me, the issue is simple. You can just ask the Ustaz to drop the visit on the graveyard on his package, and propose other good Islamic tourism place.

But no. They resort to labelling.

If only, if only, if only.

Anyhow

There are many more that crossed my mind, but writing more than this, I felt it is excessive. There's no need.

Anyhow, I like Islamic teachings, but I dislike certain people, and what a pity, most of them falls in this same category.

In Malaysia, those who are anti-vaccines, those who believe the world is flat,  those who think so much about Jewish conspiracy, what a pity, most of them falls in this same category.

No wonder ISIS thrives. It's due to closed minded-ness and the tendency to screw others who are viewed as different, and calling that tendency to screw as jihad.

If only they are open to studies of economy, science, if only, if only.  

The objective of this writing, is to remind myself, to be relaxed and "berlapang dada" (I don't know actual English translation for this), on religious stuff.

Relax, everybody want to go to heaven, don't simply condemn. Just share your religious view and relax. Don't be those who are feel they are the beautiful people.


 Marilyn Manson - The Beautiful People

And I don't want you and I don't need you
Don't bother to resist, or I'll beat you
It's not your fault that you're always wrong
The weak ones are there to justify the strong

The beautiful people, the beautiful people
It's all relative to the size of your steeple
You can't see the forest for the trees
You can't smell your own shit on your knees

[Bridge:]
There's no time to discriminate,
Hate every mxxxxxxxxxxx
That's in your way

[Chorus:]
Hey you, what do you see?
Something beautiful, something free?
Hey you, are you trying to be mean?
If you live with apes man, it's hard to be clean

The worms will live in every host
It's hard to pick which one they eat most

The horrible people, the horrible people
It's as anatomic as the size of your steeple
Capitalism has made it this way,
Old-fashioned fascism will take it away

Monday, 1 May 2017

what a pity



What I will attempt to write here, is a lesson of something that happened in social media on the early morning of Labour Day/International Workers Day 2017.

Since English isn't my mother tongue and I felt I'm still not proficient with it, I feel it's a challenge to write it in English, and a challenge that I shall undertake.

And so the story goes like this.

There's a Facebook page I recently followed, which I shall not name here.

There are some good things there (his opinion on things), there are some things which I don't agree, but then, it's just about reading casually.

And so, this guy, we shall refer it to as X, once commented on another person's FB page, This second person we shall refer it to as Y.

Y wrote something that concludes that some anime, like Naruto for instance, is not good for Muslims, on the basis that it promotes "shirk", or the idea that challenges the monotheism aspect of Islam.

Personally I think what Y wrote is absurd, but then, nevermind, we go on with the story.

X, famous for being critical, gave a harsh comment, and soon counter-arguments and a Facebook debate followed. Somehow, strangely yet somehow, the issue become sidetrack to a question whether God posseses the feeling of envy or not. Internet is strange, doesn't it?

Things got heated up when X then said that only an intoxicated guy would say that God feels envy towards its creatures.

Y, feeling angry because he felt X was calling him a drunk, started to give Quran texts, Hadith texts and all other religious arguments.

The "debate" then goes on with more Quran, Hadith and ulama texts being thrown into the debate.

I then interrupted, because I felt what happening here is somehow indirectly making those religious texts look cheap, without these people realising it.

I commented to Y, give a praise to him for his understanding of religious text, however, I told him, there is something call "hikmah", wisdom in saying religious text to people.

I summarise my idea to a simple analogy.

When you deal with a farmer, you don't talk complicated religious text, you say simple things. With PHD student, you can say complicated religious things, but you really have to check your facts.

Simply, don't simply throw off religious knowlege, but learn to speak appropriately.

Y thanked me, but commented X's idea is wrong, so he wanted to correct things.

I told Y, just give a simple explaination, what you doing is excessive and make religious text look cheap. Whether you said simple or complicated things, it's God who changes people's heart, just do things wisely. If it is not accepted, nevermind, move on, you did your part.

Y still bla bla bla with TLDR (too long don't read) wall of text when I realised, what actually happen is this Y fella is actually being pissed off and not satisfied until he could cut X's head into pieces.



I then told Y, look, it's 2.30am in the morning, if you wait another 30 mins, it'll be 3am, and it's a good time for supplication and tahajud prayers. Drop the issue, move on, a godd Muslim should take this chance for tahajud as it is holiday the next day.

Y replied back with his religious arguments, but I did not reply back. Since I had slipped my tongue, I had to pray tahajud myself or if not, because Quran said,

O you who have believed, why do you say what you do not do? - As Saff Verse 2

Great is hatred in the sight of Allah that you say what you do not do.- As Saff Verse 3

Whether it is ikhlas (sincere) or not, I leave it to God, I just do my best.

The good thing about it, is I stayed awake until Subuh the morning prayer, and I took the opportunity for sahur (pre-dawn meal) which enable me to fast today (fasting),

I slept at 11am and woke up around 1.30pm until now.

When I checked FB, I realised that the debate goes on until Subuh, except it was Y with other guys who came up with screenshot of religious books, texts.

I felt a bit consciously sad. (Insaf).


After I watched the above video, I felt a deepening silence while pondering few points.

Point 1 
X, Y and myself were wasting our time online while other people were sleeping. In fact, by the time I and X log off, while Y were still not satisfied and still arguing online with other guys, X were actually sleeping.

Sleep is a rest, and should be done at that time while we were online, but we wasted it due to our un-necessary need to speak and talk, when we actually should enjoy resting that night so we can fully enjoy the holiday the next day.

Point 2
Despite having good religious knowledge, X should be spending time on tahajud and supplication rather than being keyboard warrior on that early dawn.

Point 3
X slept and rested, and today, he enjoyed his May 1st holiday going to book festival PBAKL, taking photos and posting at FB, while Y, still not being satisfied and still posting about the goodness of his argument, still bla bla bla.

I prayed to God, what a pity. Despite having good Islamic knowledge, one can still being deceived and acted badly. For me, it's not much about X and Y, but about this lesson which I underline.

If the knowledge, does not make you act good, then what good is that? It's like an ass carrying lots of books at his back, but doesn't really take much lesson from the books, and worst of all, he spent carrying the burden and telling the people around how good he is at carrying these loads.

What a pity. 



Do you see the way that tree bends?
Does it inspire?
Leaning out to catch the sun's rays
A lesson to be applied
Are you getting something out of this all-encompassing trip?

You can spend your time alone, re-digesting past regrets, oh
Or you can come to terms and realize
You're the only one who can't forgive yourself, oh
Makes much more sense, to live in the present tense

Have you ideas on how this life ends?
Checked your hands and studied the lines
Have you the belief that the road ahead, ascends off into the light?
Seems that needlessly it's getting harder
To find an approach and a way to live
Are we getting something out of this all-encompassing trip?

You can spend your time alone re-digesting past regrets, oh
Or you can come to terms and realize
You're the only one who cannot forgive yourself, oh
Makes much more sense, to live in the present tense



Saturday, 29 April 2017

sprinkled with emotion



The above performance : guitar work sprinkled with emotion.


Been looking for the full video clip as per movie, the ones in Youtube before were promotional adverts, as per below.
Daayre - Dilwale 2015

Slight differences.

Anyhow that's the track that I liked the most of the movie, and the movie itself has a very good scenery with good color play.

I still can't get over with this Payung Teduh song, Untuk Perempuan Yang Sedang Dalam Pelukan.

This is the original track from their album Dunia Batas.

Tuesday, 25 April 2017

feel my eyes

fed and played with my lovely Gomi this morning.



this photo were from sometime ago, before I got sick, went to a nice cafe near my house, the cafe have cool Durian drinks, and also lots of books and comics!