Saturday, 22 April 2017

acceptance

video
Video : Cao Cao  last moments and death
From Three Kingdoms (2010) series

What I will write here might be depressing to some. So if you want to feel haha delighted and happy, I suggest you might skip this.

I'll be talking about death. With relation to the video above which I clipped from the series Three Kingdom released in 2010.


I find the video melancholic yet related to me in some sense.

Before that, I would like to say that, what I write here is not out of depression or something. It's more of a melancholic way of realising how ephemeral life is, while experiencing weakness and pain in the body of some sort.

First, after the discharge from hospital and my current recovering period, I had some sense...how to describe it...since I'm now 35 years old, I've reached the stage that actually I'm old enough to die.

I lived old enough to experience most things in life as what average people experience, and I should be thankful for that.

And if, just if, I die now, people around me will be shocked, but they couldn't say that I too young to die or so.

Second, that I'm 35 nearing 40 years age....
For those there who ain't Muslim, and I'm not preaching by the way, there's a verse that I think (I might be wrong) describe what I felt. Even though I'm not 40 yet.

And We have enjoined upon man, to his parents, good treatment. His mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship, and his gestation and weaning [period] is thirty months. [He grows] until, when he reaches maturity and reaches [the age of] forty years, he says, "My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents and to work righteousness of which You will approve and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and indeed, I am of the Muslims." - Al Ahqaf Verse 15

For me, as I think, there's an acceptance there that one realise one might die anytime, and so prayed more for repent, and to be grateful for the favor of life and other things that comes with life.

Third,
And so after discharge from the hospital, I didn't post anything in Facebook, whether a post or a comment.
I just read and read other's entry. and at one point I realised,

If I had really died, the world around, especially the people around me, will somehow moves on. Without me.

It's a bit sad, but then after some time, I kinda accepted it. We are all replacable, no matter what. We are that special yet that insignificant.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not advertising suicides or The 13 Reason Why or so, I think the idea of killing yourself is shitty. Life is mega even when it hurts.

It just so that no matter how big you are, no matter how special you are, no matter how you want the world to adore you...one day you'll die and some time then you'll be forgotten.

If you seek attention, wanting adoration, then stop. Because people, no matter how much they matter to you, they will move on. It's part of life.

In a way, realising this, somehow makes me feel, it's better to be detached with the world sometimes. 
You will, one day.


And last,
Did you guys ever own an external hard disk?

You'll fill your hard disk with materials which are meaningful to you (porn? haha)....anyhow you know what I mean.

Then out of a sudden, the hard disk falls, or crashes, and all that data that you saved, are just lost and you can't recover it anymore....

I think that's how you feel at the moment of death, except, the intense feeling being magnified million times more.

It just happens, and you can't escape it. Whether you accept it or not, the moment has come for you to stop existing in this ephemeral world.

Being Islamic, I believe in life after death, and the feeling of being sinful at the moment of death is pretty scary. But hope and fear is what drives the prayers, just like what Imam Ghazali mentioned in his book Ihya' Ulumiddin.

Anyhow I hope you guys could read this as casual as I wrote it. I don't know why it felt casual, maybe it's the peace that comes from the acceptance...I don't know, maybe it's just an illusion.

Peace.

I take the below excerpt from the blog Sheikhy Notes.

Ibn Hazm al-Andalusi (May Allah have mercy upon him) said,
 "If you look deeply into worldly matters you will become melancholy and will end up reflecting upon the ephemeral nature of everything here below, 

and the fact that truth lies only in striving for the hereafter, since every ambition to which you might cling will end in tears; 

either the goal is snatched from you, or you have to give the attempt up before you reach it. 

One of these two endings is inevitable except the search for God the Almighty the Powerful. 

Then the result is always joy, both immediate and eternal

The immediate joy is because you stop worrying about things which usually worry people; this leads to an increase in the respect paid to you by friends and enemies alike. 

The eternal joy is the joy of paradise." 

In Pursuit of Virtue by Ibn Hazm p.121

Thursday, 20 April 2017

charlie puth with sunglasses


the title is due to me wearing sunglasses 24/7 nowadays, and I want to tone down the gloominess or those negative thoughts.

The story was last week, from April 9th I was sick...and somehow the sickness subsided on Friday April 14th. I was sick but I still able to watch the Net and posted the previous entry post.

Went to Friday prayer, and after motorcycling around town after Friday prayer looking for food, I realised that my vision was blurry, even with my spectacles on.

I wear spectacles for the near-sighted ,with the power 400 in my left eye, and 350 with my right eye (or vice versa..I ain't sure which eye but I'm sure of the numbers)...and even then, on last Friday I could not see the signboards at the road.

So last April 15, wife's birthday, I was at the Hospital Sg Buloh Yellow Zone (Pre-Critical zone), laying down with teary eyed birthday girl wife, listening to other patients screaming, crying due to their pain and injuries.

I was hyper-gylecaemic. It was bad that ketone was detected in my blood sample.

While waiting for the sugar reading to go down, I was checked by eye specialist at Hospital Sungai Buloh.

The good news is, the eye is fine....there was no glaucoma, eye stroke, cataract...

It was blurry vision due to diabetic retinopathy. If you google this, it might be scary so I try to explain it simple.

In simple terms, due to the sugary content of my blood then, the blood vessels supplying the retina. swells.

Fortunately, I was discharged on the same day (Saturday Apr 15), but late at night, that wife had to call for leave the next day.

And so I'm on medication and also medical control (sugar, blood pressure), and not to over-exert the eye, I wear sunglasses most of the time, especially while using computer today.


Anyhow, today is my first day using computer after the incident.

I don't want to mess people's mood, so I didn't info anybody in the FB. Closed relatives already knew of my condition, and those who didn't knew, doesn't need to know, I guess.

I think my eyesight has gotten better, though it's still too early to say on that.

Nevertheless, nowadays I enjoy looking like a handsome Charlie Puth with my sunglasses on.

Ok wish you all happy smiles folks.

Foo Fighters - Everlong


Some interesting video I had in FB before.

Why is TV 29.97 frames per second? 

And interesting videos I saw today.

Thursday, 13 April 2017

sincerity

I'm in horrible shape. There's nothing much to say but to hope for the better.
It will. In God's way, it will.

Yesterday evening at the nearby surau, the religious teacher give lecture on the issue of sincerity.

Retrospectively, we come here alone, and we will one day die alone.

When you think about being one, by yourself, then you might think about God, and realise your only connection worthwhile is with God.

Well, even if you're Atheist, you will probably realise that your connection with others and worldly things are just ephemeral....that in the end, you are one alone here.

Went to hospital few times this week with wife.

There is that moment when I hold my dear wife's hand dearly, as weak but as hopeful as I want to grip her hand, only to lose it out in drowsiness of the medicines.

When I almost black out, that was when I realise,...like what that religious teacher meant, what is the real hope and fear, and its sincerity.