Sunday, 28 May 2017

one eyed man in the kingdom of the blind

You learn about life by the accidents you have, over and over again, and your father is always in your head when that stuff happens. 

Writing, most of the time, for most people, is an accident and your father is there for that, too. 

You know, I taught writing for a while and whenever somebody would tell me they were going to write about their dad, I would tell them they might as well go write about killing puppies because neither story was going to work. It just doesn't work. Your father won't let it happen. - Kurt Vonnegut, taken from Wikiquote

Photo Source :, Drawing by Amanda Dawg

Last Tuesday

Fell off from my motorbike during a ride. Scratches everywhere, but no bleeding, thankfully.
Hurt my knees terribly.

Laid in my bed that day with immense pain while reading social media.

A lot of idle talks on a certain  lady whom commented about 11 year old actress who wear tudung.

Actually I wanted to join the comment, but hell, the pain in my knees was immense. 
So I kept quiet.
And it was wise.

Then ponder things through, there are few things that made people not commenting on popular things, or even talk about it.

1. Immense pain
2. Terrified and full of fear about something, having no money and debt also falls into this.
3. Hunger
4. Tiredness 
5. Busyness from work, responsibility or activity.

And actually, I realised, if you write on social media of some issues for instance, you are free from those five things that you now have idle time to talk about it.

Hence, you should be thankful that you are free from those. 

If you are a Muslim, "Alhamdulilah". If you embraced other religion, praise to God. If you're an atheist, you should feel thankful, and embrace the free-ness from those five things.

Photo Source :

Abandoned fields

I was taken by this words from the band Converge.

"My barren plan to be a better man rots in abandoned fields"

The night before Ramadan the first, my usual musalla/surau (place of prayer, smaller than mosque) held their first tarawih/terawih prayer of year 2017. They did 20 rakaat of terawih, and the people were numerous, that they had to make a temporary camp outside the surau to compensate the coming of more than usual attendance of people to the surau.

By the time of the completion of 8 rakaat, many people had go off (there were traditions of praying only 8 rakaat of terawih), but I was surprised that there were still many peopl following the terawih prayer of 20 rakaat until the end. I felt lucky I was one of those that night.

The next day, it was Ramadan the 1st.

To my surprise, I felt extreme tiredness after my Maghrib prayer (by then we had open fast), that I went back home. 

I went back for the Isyak prayer, but, shamefully, my knees, felt terrible, that I went back home without praying Terawih.

I felt asleep. Wife came home after work around 10pm, but after greeting her, I went back to sleep.

Both of us woke up at 7am, without having our sahur today, and missing our Subuh prayer.

Personally I think, maybe I did something wrong in the past, and for sure this is a test whether I can still stay positive despite the predicaments, because whatever it is, the deeds that is accepted is an honest one, (Ikhlas), despite all the despair that felt like being abandoned on barren fields.

Somewhere there's a reason
Why things go like they do
Somewhere there's a reason
Why somethings just fall through
We don't always see them
For what they really are
But I know there's a reason,
Just can't see it from this far

Maybe I don't like it, but I have no choice
I know that somewhere, someone hears my voice

I thought I knew it all
I thought I had it made
How could it end this way?
I thought I knew

Somewhere there's a reason
Why things don't go my way
Somewhere there's a reason
That I cannot explain
Just like the change of season,
Just may not be my turn
But I know there's a reason,
The lesson's mine to learn

Note : The "one-eyed man in the kingdom of the blind" was from a quote in Kurt Vonnegut's novel, Player Piano.

"Almost nobody's competent, Paul. It's enough to make you cry to see how bad most people are at their jobs. If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in the kingdom of the blind.

Monday, 22 May 2017

the allurement of charles bukowski

Even though I'm thirty five this year, I felt that I still don't know much about life and its path of glory and tragedies, but yesterday caused me to make a guesswork that God is beautiful, as life is mega itself.

I was miserable, mourning the loss of Gomi, and went to Net to find solace, and somehow found a treasure of beauty in the work of Charles Bukowski.

Maybe life that is God's work are like thorny roses. Sometimes it cuts deep, but over sometime you are captivated by the allurement of it all.

Charles Bukowski - So You Want To Be A Writer

if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was. 

I also found this charming blog as well.

This poem of "So You Want To Be A Writer"  shook my insides, and somehow strengthen my unrelentless resolve for this blog, of not needing to be famous, viral or all those shit. Just write, because of the my own fascination of words and ideas, no matter how lame it is.

If you read Charles Bukowski's work, you'll be astounded by the fact that most of his poem doesn't have metaphors, it is more like a story writing. And if you are interested more about him, you can wikipedia-ed him and search for his life story, that shapes much of his approach.

I find that it is pure, and honest. Pure, beautifully pure without hypocrisy.

Charles Bukowski - A Smile To Remember

we had goldfish and they circled around and around
in the bowl on the table near the heavy drapes
covering the picture window and
my mother, always smiling, wanting us all
to be happy, told me, 'be happy Henry!'
and she was right: it's better to be happy if you
but my father continued to beat her and me several times a week while
raging inside his 6-foot-two frame because he couldn't
understand what was attacking him from within.

my mother, poor fish,
wanting to be happy, beaten two or three times a
week, telling me to be happy: 'Henry, smile!
why don't you ever smile?'

and then she would smile, to show me how, and it was the
saddest smile I ever saw

one day the goldfish died, all five of them,
they floated on the water, on their sides, their
eyes still open,
and when my father got home he threw them to the cat
there on the kitchen floor and we watched as my mother

Charles Bukowski - Be Kind

we are always asked
to understand the other person's
no matter how
foolish or

one is asked
to view
their total error
their life-waste
especially if they are

but age is the total of
our doing.
they have aged
because they have
out of focus,
they have refused to

not their fault?

whose fault?

I am asked to hide
my viewpoint
from them
for fear of their

age is no crime

but the shame
of a deliberately

among so many


Charles Bukowski - The Genius of The Crowd

there is enough treachery, hatred violence absurdity in the average
human being to supply any given army on any given day

and the best at murder are those who preach against it
and the best at hate are those who preach love
and the best at war finally are those who preach peace

those who preach god, need god
those who preach peace do not have peace
those who preach peace do not have love

beware the preachers
beware the knowers
beware those who are always reading books
beware those who either detest poverty
or are proud of it
beware those quick to praise
for they need praise in return
beware those who are quick to censor
they are afraid of what they do not know
beware those who seek constant crowds for
they are nothing alone
beware the average man the average woman
beware their love, their love is average
seeks average

but there is genius in their hatred
there is enough genius in their hatred to kill you
to kill anybody
not wanting solitude
not understanding solitude
they will attempt to destroy anything
that differs from their own
not being able to create art
they will not understand art
they will consider their failure as creators
only as a failure of the world
not being able to love fully
they will believe your love incomplete
and then they will hate you
and their hatred will be perfect

like a shining diamond
like a knife
like a mountain
like a tiger
like hemlock

their finest art

Sunday, 21 May 2017

the last look / takut dan harap (fear and hope)

Kucing aku, Gomi, lay lifeless this morning. Aku tanam mayat dia di belakang rumah. Dia sedang sarat mengandung, semalam, aku nampak dia terbaring berdarah dan basah depan rumah, so aku masukkan dia ke dalam kotak. Jangkaan aku dan wife, dia dah nak beranak. Tak sangka pula dia dah pergi, kemungkinan besar complication of birth.

Wife aku komen tentang semalam, cara Gomi pandang aku dan wife aku dengan agak sayu. That last look. Mungkin by then Gomi dah tahu dia nak "pergi". Tapi by then apa yang dia boleh buat pun.

Aku teringatkan arwah ayah aku, dan last look dia. Before he passed away, dia tak sedar dalam wad ICU, and awoke a couple of days before he passed away. Tapi by then, dia dah ada "thousand yard stare".

Petang tu dalam pukul 6pm, tiba2 dia peluk aku lama2 dalam 5-10 minit begitu, kemudian dia peluk adik aku pula lama2. Tapi dia tak berkata sepatah pun. Dari petang tu sampai pukul 11 malam, last aku tengok dia sebelum balik, dia hanya "pandang jauh" / thousand yard stare. Dia meninggal pukul 3am malam tu.

Ada orang mati mengejut/sudden death, ada juga yang mati sakit yang terpaksa tahan lama sakit, seperti ayah aku dan Gomi. Apa ada dalam pikiran mereka ketika itu?

Aku rasa, some who died by pain (bukan mati mengejut), will somehow know that their time has come. Dan masa tu apa yang rasa hanyalah takut dan harap. Kau dah tak mampu nak buat apa, berserah, dan an overwhelming takut dan harap menyelubungi.

Imam Ghazali tulis pasal takut dan harap ni panjang lebar as a chapter dalam kitab Ihya Ulumiddin dia.

Dulu, ada seorang atheis (dia panggil diri dia Mulhid Melayu) nak debate pasal Tuhan, kitab tahafut al filasafah, etc. Tapi aku tak jadi nak berborak dengan dia. By then, pada opinion aku, hidup beragama ni, atau kau nak percaya Tuhan ada atau tidak, bergantung pada takut dan harap dalam diri. Logic and knowledge lebih pada penguat untuk percaya/faith. Kalau kau tengah sedap2 duduk kerusi layan online berdebat, tak mungkin dapat manfaat kalau tak ada takut dan harap.

Dan banyak benda agama ni berdiri pada takut dan harap.

Moga2 kita ikhlas dalam hidup kita.

Nota : Dalam nak menceriakan keadaan tadi, aku tengok channel Disney XD 617, tapi last2 tersedih juga bila tengok Grami Circus Show, sebab teringat Gomi.

Grami's Circus Show - yup, I shed tears watching this cartoon today.