Saturday, 29 April 2017

sprinkled with emotion



The above performance : guitar work sprinkled with emotion.


Been looking for the full video clip as per movie, the ones in Youtube before were promotional adverts, as per below.
Daayre - Dilwale 2015

Slight differences.

Anyhow that's the track that I liked the most of the movie, and the movie itself has a very good scenery with good color play.

I still can't get over with this Payung Teduh song, Untuk Perempuan Yang Sedang Dalam Pelukan.

This is the original track from their album Dunia Batas.

Tuesday, 25 April 2017

feel my eyes

fed and played with my lovely Gomi this morning.



this photo were from sometime ago, before I got sick, went to a nice cafe near my house, the cafe have cool Durian drinks, and also lots of books and comics!





Monday, 24 April 2017

obscured by clouds







I will write in rojak Malay today.

Obscured by Clouds, ialah album dari Pink Floyd, aku pilih title dan gambar cover album tersebut sebagai title dan gambar di blog entry ni atas 2 sebab.


Satu, disebabkan diabetic retinopathy yang dialami, eyesight aku adalah seperti dalam gambar, walaupun sedang pakai spectacles. Since aku near-sighted, aku masih boleh menaip entry ni dan membaca apa yang ada di monitor komputer, buku, tapi aku da mula blur melihat benda2 yang jauh sedikit, hatta menonton TV pun sudah mula sukar.


Kedua, sebab the word "obscure" dan apa yang aku nak tulis.

Semalam aku spend 1-2 jam di cybercafe dan baca2 social media, 9gag, blogs.

Terkejut aku bila satu blog yang aku suka baca, zyraroxx.blogspot.my in-accessible. Setiap kali access, pasti directed to a link busuk.org

Few times, aku membaca di FB berkenaan some assholes yang curi comic zyraroxx ni, either for traffic, business or what shit. Dan aku masih ingat ada yang mem-porno kan comic beliau and post in 9gag.

And now this.

Satu, mungkin sebab dia wanita, and maybe because, Malay women.

Cuba kalau minah ni amoi macam Elizabeth Tan atau indian blogger. I don't think she'll will endure as much as what she had to now, if she's a.....ah let's not talk about it.

Aku jarang tengok bangsa lain buat benda2 atas dasar sakit hati ni. Bangsa lain pun butthurt personally but they tend to let go of things because there are better things out there.

But malays...susah cakap. Anyhow don't want to tread to that issue much.

From what ever happened, masa sembahyang baru2 ini aku ada berdoa agar blog ni remain obscure, tak berapa di-kenali, tak popular.

I think it's because getting popular at this moment, with this type of generation is really troublesome and don't matter much. It only just feeds ego and insecurity, nothing more. Life in general tetap not so much easy as before as economic is shit right now.


I listen to metal during my teens. During the 90's, kalau kau mendengar musik2 jenis ini, ada satu term which is called "underground".
It meant that this music is not commercialised.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Underground_music <-- lebih kurang macam ni, di Malaysia zaman 90's dulu music yang tak keluar di radio, considered as underground.


Butterfingers, ACAB, are examples of popular bands among teens in Malaysia yang lagu2 dia tak pernah keluar Radio mainstream, except Butterfingers tu ada sekali dua keluar lagu The Chemistry between us di radio and TV3.

Aku happy kalau blog ni boleh maintain "underground". Tak ramai orang baca, tak popular, tapi ada lah satu dua orang baca for fun.

It is because blog ni for fun, and to "write on rocks what I feel".

And so aku rasa leceh kalau terpaksa nak layan2 orang, haters to the extent you have to feel hate and shitty-ness, for the sake of this blog.

This blog is written and can be read free, no subscription, no fees.
If you like it, you read, if you don't, you ignore.

Sampai ke sembahyang berdoa agar blog jadi underground. Macam macam aku nih.


Oh ya, one thing about "underground" mentality ni, kau akan lebih tend untuk explore music from unknown bands.
Kau akan try album2 of whatever music, more open minded.

That's why I think, one of the reason why "underground" was cool in the 80's and 90s. Sebab rarity. kau explore gems yang ada.

That's why also aku maintain Tumblr page aku even though ramai tak dah guna, tak popular.
Sebab banyak rare interesting items.

Semangat yang sama yang membuatkan aku suka pergi Amcorp Mall on Sundays tengok bootsales, kadang pergi kedai2 buku di KL yang pada aku jual buku2 rare.

When you go underground, you\ll appreciate the light obscured by clouds.


And the current generation, I think, is shitty.

Generation sekarang, I doubt that they like this underground things. I think most are fascinated by popularity. Dalam bahasa mudah, budak budak sekarang tak underground langsung.

Itu sebab gangster 24 kena tangkap. Sebab video gangster viral. tak underground langsung gangster generasi sekarang....siap buat banner? baik kau masuk pertubuhan politik LOL.

http://www.nst.com.my/news/crime-courts/2017/04/232598/eighteen-arrested-after-geng-24-videos-klang-school-go-viral

Anyhow, I will end this, as usual, with a rare song. A synthpop song from the 80's from a band from Netherland called Cloud Nine. Lagu ni released on 1985 from their album Waterfall.
Lagu ni sedap pada halwa telinga aku. Cuma tak popular, jadi ramai tak tahu.
Dalam music industry, banyak reason why a good band tak popular. Distribution, record labels, managment, even though the song might be good.

Saturday, 22 April 2017

acceptance

video
Video : Cao Cao  last moments and death
From Three Kingdoms (2010) series

What I will write here might be depressing to some. So if you want to feel haha delighted and happy, I suggest you might skip this.

I'll be talking about death. With relation to the video above which I clipped from the series Three Kingdom released in 2010.


I find the video melancholic yet related to me in some sense.

Before that, I would like to say that, what I write here is not out of depression or something. It's more of a melancholic way of realising how ephemeral life is, while experiencing weakness and pain in the body of some sort.

First, after the discharge from hospital and my current recovering period, I had some sense...how to describe it...since I'm now 35 years old, I've reached the stage that actually I'm old enough to die.

I lived old enough to experience most things in life as what average people experience, and I should be thankful for that.

And if, just if, I die now, people around me will be shocked, but they couldn't say that I too young to die or so.

Second, that I'm 35 nearing 40 years age....
For those there who ain't Muslim, and I'm not preaching by the way, there's a verse that I think (I might be wrong) describe what I felt. Even though I'm not 40 yet.

And We have enjoined upon man, to his parents, good treatment. His mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship, and his gestation and weaning [period] is thirty months. [He grows] until, when he reaches maturity and reaches [the age of] forty years, he says, "My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents and to work righteousness of which You will approve and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and indeed, I am of the Muslims." - Al Ahqaf Verse 15

For me, as I think, there's an acceptance there that one realise one might die anytime, and so prayed more for repent, and to be grateful for the favor of life and other things that comes with life.

Third,
And so after discharge from the hospital, I didn't post anything in Facebook, whether a post or a comment.
I just read and read other's entry. and at one point I realised,

If I had really died, the world around, especially the people around me, will somehow moves on. Without me.

It's a bit sad, but then after some time, I kinda accepted it. We are all replacable, no matter what. We are that special yet that insignificant.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not advertising suicides or The 13 Reason Why or so, I think the idea of killing yourself is shitty. Life is mega even when it hurts.

It just so that no matter how big you are, no matter how special you are, no matter how you want the world to adore you...one day you'll die and some time then you'll be forgotten.

If you seek attention, wanting adoration, then stop. Because people, no matter how much they matter to you, they will move on. It's part of life.

In a way, realising this, somehow makes me feel, it's better to be detached with the world sometimes. 
You will, one day.


And last,
Did you guys ever own an external hard disk?

You'll fill your hard disk with materials which are meaningful to you (porn? haha)....anyhow you know what I mean.

Then out of a sudden, the hard disk falls, or crashes, and all that data that you saved, are just lost and you can't recover it anymore....

I think that's how you feel at the moment of death, except, the intense feeling being magnified million times more.

It just happens, and you can't escape it. Whether you accept it or not, the moment has come for you to stop existing in this ephemeral world.

Being Islamic, I believe in life after death, and the feeling of being sinful at the moment of death is pretty scary. But hope and fear is what drives the prayers, just like what Imam Ghazali mentioned in his book Ihya' Ulumiddin.

Anyhow I hope you guys could read this as casual as I wrote it. I don't know why it felt casual, maybe it's the peace that comes from the acceptance...I don't know, maybe it's just an illusion.

Peace.

I take the below excerpt from the blog Sheikhy Notes.

Ibn Hazm al-Andalusi (May Allah have mercy upon him) said,
 "If you look deeply into worldly matters you will become melancholy and will end up reflecting upon the ephemeral nature of everything here below, 

and the fact that truth lies only in striving for the hereafter, since every ambition to which you might cling will end in tears; 

either the goal is snatched from you, or you have to give the attempt up before you reach it. 

One of these two endings is inevitable except the search for God the Almighty the Powerful. 

Then the result is always joy, both immediate and eternal

The immediate joy is because you stop worrying about things which usually worry people; this leads to an increase in the respect paid to you by friends and enemies alike. 

The eternal joy is the joy of paradise." 

In Pursuit of Virtue by Ibn Hazm p.121

Thursday, 20 April 2017

charlie puth with sunglasses


the title is due to me wearing sunglasses 24/7 nowadays, and I want to tone down the gloominess or those negative thoughts.

The story was last week, from April 9th I was sick...and somehow the sickness subsided on Friday April 14th. I was sick but I still able to watch the Net and posted the previous entry post.

Went to Friday prayer, and after motorcycling around town after Friday prayer looking for food, I realised that my vision was blurry, even with my spectacles on.

I wear spectacles for the near-sighted ,with the power 400 in my left eye, and 350 with my right eye (or vice versa..I ain't sure which eye but I'm sure of the numbers)...and even then, on last Friday I could not see the signboards at the road.

So last April 15, wife's birthday, I was at the Hospital Sg Buloh Yellow Zone (Pre-Critical zone), laying down with teary eyed birthday girl wife, listening to other patients screaming, crying due to their pain and injuries.

I was hyper-gylecaemic. It was bad that ketone was detected in my blood sample.

While waiting for the sugar reading to go down, I was checked by eye specialist at Hospital Sungai Buloh.

The good news is, the eye is fine....there was no glaucoma, eye stroke, cataract...

It was blurry vision due to diabetic retinopathy. If you google this, it might be scary so I try to explain it simple.

In simple terms, due to the sugary content of my blood then, the blood vessels supplying the retina. swells.

Fortunately, I was discharged on the same day (Saturday Apr 15), but late at night, that wife had to call for leave the next day.

And so I'm on medication and also medical control (sugar, blood pressure), and not to over-exert the eye, I wear sunglasses most of the time, especially while using computer today.


Anyhow, today is my first day using computer after the incident.

I don't want to mess people's mood, so I didn't info anybody in the FB. Closed relatives already knew of my condition, and those who didn't knew, doesn't need to know, I guess.

I think my eyesight has gotten better, though it's still too early to say on that.

Nevertheless, nowadays I enjoy looking like a handsome Charlie Puth with my sunglasses on.

Ok wish you all happy smiles folks.

Foo Fighters - Everlong


Some interesting video I had in FB before.

Why is TV 29.97 frames per second? 

And interesting videos I saw today.

Thursday, 13 April 2017

sincerity

I'm in horrible shape. There's nothing much to say but to hope for the better.
It will. In God's way, it will.

Yesterday evening at the nearby surau, the religious teacher give lecture on the issue of sincerity.

Retrospectively, we come here alone, and we will one day die alone.

When you think about being one, by yourself, then you might think about God, and realise your only connection worthwhile is with God.

Well, even if you're Atheist, you will probably realise that your connection with others and worldly things are just ephemeral....that in the end, you are one alone here.

Went to hospital few times this week with wife.

There is that moment when I hold my dear wife's hand dearly, as weak but as hopeful as I want to grip her hand, only to lose it out in drowsiness of the medicines.

When I almost black out, that was when I realise,...like what that religious teacher meant, what is the real hope and fear, and its sincerity.

Monday, 10 April 2017

Untuk Perempuan Yang Sedang Dalam Pelukan


Payung Teduh - Untuk Perempuan Yang Sedang Dalam Pelukan (cover)

Tak terasa gelap pun jatuh
Diujung malam menuju pagi yang dingin
Hanya ada sedikit bintang malam ini
Mungkin karena kau sedang cantik-cantiknya

Lalu mataku merasa malu
Semakin dalam ia malu kali ini
Kadang juga ia takut
Tatkala harus berpapasan ditengah pelariannya

Di malam hari
Menuju pagi
Sedikit cemas
Banyak rindunya

Friday, 7 April 2017

ephemeral

 
I'll try my best to describe my situation now.
 
It's Friday. After Friday prayers.
 
The sky outside is blue, the cloud is furry white but it has some darkness in it a bit.
 
It looks like it's about to rain any second soon.
 
It's windy outside. I could see the leaves and tree branches moved, like being being swept or being brushed, yet never move away from the trees.
 
Some shit did happen to some people I knew online. 
 
Some angry-ness, some disappointments, some bitterness. 

People is shit sometimes. Most people are.
I myself are shitty too.

But thank God. At this exact moment, I felt peace.
Even though it might be ephemeral.
Even though the peace is fleeting.
Thank you.
 

One idea that I had, even though it is selfish, is that not to think much what others think about you.

If you knew it is good then change for the better.

But don't be left wondering too much, because life is too short.
 

A. Sihir / Amulet /Black Magic

This is some Islamic stuff so if you are not into it, you can skip this.
 
Some guy from my university days shared a photo of a food outlet who had an amulet hanging at the shop.

I just shared him some kind of wisdom or advice I learnt from someone.
About Islamic stuff.

First, about these black magic, it is good to have a mindset, that these magics, will not work unless God let it be so, for some sort of test or kaffarah (sin-cleansing). Surah Al Hijr verse 42.

And to always pray to God from injustice, as this magics or sihir is syrik, and syirik is the biggest injustice of all. Surah Luqman verse 13.

So by having this kinda mindset, you'll tend to think more towards praying to God, rather than to fill your mind with assumptions, pre-assumptions, lengthy talks about sihir this and sihir that.

One of the objectives of the devil is sihir, is to make you have bad pre-assumptions of people.

When someone got sick out of it, people around will usually make noise and assumes that this people or that people caused it. And this thinking fills their head and consumes their time.

So, it is best to have that mindset as per mentioned earlier as per Surah Al Hijir verse 42.

You'll work towards getting better, and not to think much about others whether they did shit you or not, and pray on God for its compassion towards making you better.



B. Social Media : popularity and traffic ratings are fleeting stuff

So today one of the Internet friends, drew something good and funny, only for her drawings to be copied by other websites and blogs for traffic ratings.
 
It feels shit, I don't know what words to offer for consolation, or even doubting the idea of giving consolation to her will make anything better.
 
 Then somehow, I read something in the Net about a guy whose now involved in court cases or so.

Some years ago, this fella wrote that he is somebody that is worth to be respected.

For popularity and traffic ratings, and maybe because this things inject a lot of confidence and sense of worth to him, he wrote some things provocative and all those shit people due to increase popularity and traffic ratings.

That was then. What happen to him now?

God knows how many police report he made throughout these years.

In the end, for me, all this popularity and traffic ratings efforts, it was not worth it.

I felt much better to do something just for the passion, with the mindset of "who cares what you think."

At least I felt peace, I don't need to think much, I can switch off the computer whenever I need or had to, without worrying much.

In real life, there's so much other things, work, bills, commitment that takes precedence in effort, focus and time.


Thank you.
 
So whoever you are out there, whether I knew you or not,
I wish you to be happy.
 
Be happy folks. 



Back on tour
Driving through southwestern towns
I’d been in before
Sun split ember, fields that span both ways forever
.
When I first saw you
The sky, it was such a natural blue
.
Stars from a back porch
They’re talkin’ but I don’t say much anymore
It’s old news but if you’re asking
Been a long time since I’ve been moved
.
But when I first saw you
That feeling, it came over me too
Natural blue
.
Chicory burns grass at your knees
Walk forward from your open wound
Live in dreams, I remain forever
inside the colors you’ve shown to me
.
When I first saw you
The sky, it was such a natural blue
The sky was such a natural blue
Natural blue
-

Wednesday, 5 April 2017

fake counterfeit notes

 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Street_punk#UK_82

Street punk (alternatively spelled streetpunk) is a working class[1]-based genre of punk rock which took shape in the early 1980s, partly as a rebellion against the perceived artistic pretensions of the first wave of British punk.



I just sent my wife to her working place, and are listening to punk band GBH while writing this entry.
So forgive me for a lot of "fills" in this entry is of the "punk" nature.

Punk veteran Felix Havoc said:

It was aggressive, yet had melody. As opposed to today's "melodic" punk it still had a lot of energy. It was honest. Hence the term "street punk." There is and was a feel that this was the kids music, from the streets, and was uncorrupted by "professionalism" or "musicianship." As opposed to the anarcho bands its message was more bleak and irreverent. The music was not a-political, just a less intellectual expression of political views of working class youth. The music was marketed as being of and by the working class. I suspect this was not universally the case. Still most middle and upper class kids cringe at frank discussions of violence as evidenced in a typical Blitz song. Early 80's UK punk was catchy as hell; it has sing-a-long choruses and hooky riffs.[4]




A. Wife, the crazy others, siege mentality.

My wife have a unique way of identifying screw-ups and "shit-happen" moments in life.

For example, nowadays she likes to play Fun Hospital instead of Hayday at her smartphone.
When asked why, her reply is :-

"Dah tak suka main Hayday sebab line dia selalu gila"
(Don't like to play Hayday nowadays because the connection line to the server is crazy)

When driving, she always asked me to be cautious because of the other crazy drivers.

"Sabar bang, kat Subang ni memang banyak orang gila"
(Be patient, dear, at Subang here there's a lot of insane crazy driver).

My first year of marriage is about enjoying her remarks of the craziness of others.
The second year of marriage (present time of writing) is about appreciating the idea behind her remarks.

I realised there's some genius intuition behind it. You might call it siege mentality, or "we vs the world", but to me there's more.

It's about realising that, in life, there are and always be screw-ups and "shit happens" moments.

And when you are about to be depressed and asking God "why?", u just save time by blaming it because of the "crazy" others.

"Nak buat macam mana, dah line gila." (Well what to do, the internet/phone line is crazy)

"Abang tunggu kat luar sekejap, sayang tak dapat nak keluar sekarang, ada staff gila tengah buat gila dengan bos" (My dear husband, please wait for me a while, I can't get out from the work place because some crazy staff made insane stuff at the boss).

When the reason is about the crazy-ness, you just know it can't be helped and it's better to ignore or to find alternative or to bypass that crazy problem.

The crazy problem ain't worth a shit to solve because, well, because it is crazy, you see.

The genius behind it, is that you are sub-consciously telling your mind to ignore the crazy thing and move forward.

(filler stuff)
UK 82 (also known as UK hardcore, second wave punk,[7] real punk,[8] or No Future punk[9]) took the existing punk sound and added the incessant, heavy drumbeats and distorted guitar sound of Motörhead.[10] The term UK 82 is taken from the title of a song by The Exploited.[11] Cross-pollination existed between this era of British street punk and American hardcore punk.[12]

The three most prominent UK82 bands, according to Ian Glasper, are The Exploited, Discharge,[14] and Charged GBH............ Discharge's early work proved to be enormously influential, providing the blueprint for an entire subgenre. Their later work, however, was decried as trite heavy metal.[17]

http://www.uk82.com/




B. Fake counterfeit notes

"Absence makes the heart grows fonder".

There was someone I respected so much for his views on things. I followed his blog and Tumblr passionately before. Fortunately he's just an "online" person.

When I got to know this person for personal, I kinda feel dis-spirited.

This fella once wrote about having separate personality, the one you understand if you watch "Fight Club". If I vaguely remembered, her present girlfriend back then wrote a blog describing her life with the other 7 or 8 or whatever numbers of split personality this fella has.

One day quite long time ago, I asked help from that girl-friend of his, on where to take professional help on a mental case for a relative of mine.

During our chat, I disclosed to the girl, a fact that the condition of that relative of mine, might be due to substance abuse.

That was it.

Then few years later, I happen to befriend the fella on social media.

What I realised that, this fella is doing substance abuse (or specifically smoking weed) but nowadays he doesn't have the split personality condition.

Substance abuse will usually made the DID (Disassociative Identity Disorder) more worse.

That was when I realised.

He was bullshitting about the DID condition before:-

1.To the readers, possibly for likes and reader viewings on his blog,

2.to her present girlfriend back then and

3. to her deceased ex.

He was as fake as counterfeit notes.

Someday ago, he posted about being depressed and thoughts of suicide.

I deleted my comments because "Advice most needed is least heeded".

And I remembered my wife's unique way of identifying screw-ups and "shit-happen" moments in life.

It is just crazy.

"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live." - Henry David Thoreau Journals (1838-1859)

(filler stuff)


 

C. Active Choice

Punk ain't no religious cult
Punk means thinking for yourself
You ain't hardcore 'cause you spike your hair
When a jock still lives inside your head
- Dead Kennedys

My overall theme of this entry is, to realise that to empower your life, you gotta realise you have active choices in your life.
You can choose. To do that, you have to realise what the choices are. 
And to ignore, is itself a choice.

For example,
nowadays people are complaining about the quality of Malaysian TV series that's aired at 7pm.

People say it's annoying, shitty, etc.

Since my wife now works most of the time until 10pm, we didn't watch TV. I myself, with my free time around, didn't watch TV.

And to realise that, you have the active choice of not watching those shitty TV series that you complained.

Furthermore, 7pm is usually for Muslims to get ready to go to mosque or surau and stayed there until 9pm (Isya'). 
Not doing anything is itself a choice.

 Knowing that you have choices, you will understand the responsibility of your choices.



Suddenly I felt being preachy. And you guys know I don't like being preachy because I think everybody is smart enough than to be told things.

But I think I do need to be reminded sometimes.

And so this ends.



Race Against Time 

Put us on a life support machine from the day we're born,
didn't realise it was just our dawn.
By the media we've been accepted, but in reality still rejected.

From the start it won't last,
but now that's all in the past.
Never admit to being wrong,
five years on and we're still going strong.

Given a year to pack up and die,
take the taking, run and hide.
Said 'race against time', thought it was clever,
time is immortal and we're forever.

So five years on and we should be dead,
new ideas in the same old head.
Don't need help, don't need a tutor,
you're our past and we're your future.
It's a race against time, but whose racing ?
'Cus we've already won.
 

Monday, 3 April 2017

0304


Just tired and fed-up with some people.

Wife will be having her off-day this Tuesday so we might be off somewhere.

This song is cool, first heard it when I was at Melacca Matriculation College 2000-2001.

It suits my current emotion right now on being tired with some people and their emotional shit.

If I wanted to watch a drama, all I should do is just flick the switch on on the TV remote control, not these drama from these real life drama queens and kings.


Just think about it

Lately I've been skeptical
Silent when I would used to speak
Distant from all around me
who witness me fail and become weak
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I'd love to be the one to disappoint you when I don't fall down

[Pre chorus]
but you don't understand when I'm attempting to explain
because you know it all and I guess things will never change
but you might need my hand when falling in your whole
Your disposition ill remember when I'm letting go of...

[chorus]
you and me we're through and rearranged

It seems that your not satisfied
there's too much on your mind
So you leave and I cant believe all the bullshit that I find
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I'd love to be the one to disappoint you when I don't fall down

[pre chorus]


[chorus]

.. you're no good for me
Thank God its over
You make believe that nothing is wrong until you're cryin'
You make believe life is so long until you're dyin'
You make believe that nothing is wrong until you're cryin', cryin' on me
You make believe that life is so long until you're dyin', dyin' on me!!
you think everybody is the same
I don't think that anybody is like you
You ruin everything and you kept fuckin' with me until it's over and I won't be the same. 



Limp Bizkit - Re-arranged (cover)  

Saturday, 1 April 2017

teardrops on the fire


This time I don't really mind what language is to be used for this entry/story.
And so I ask forgiveness, should any of the readers whom got lost along the story.
In this story,  actually I myself felt lost too.

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me, makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teardrop_(song)

Fraser wrote the song's lyrics. While recording the song on 29 May 1997, she found out that her once-close friend, Jeff Buckley, had drowned. "That was so weird ... I'd got letters out and I was thinking about him. That song's kind of about him – that's how it feels to me anyway."

On Friday24 March 2017, my wife, whom now work on a retail supermarket, got her hands injured while pushing trolley.

The next Saturday, she went to Clinic and was "awarded" two days of MC.

It was at the same day that my sister-in-law, a.k.a Sabrina's mom (Sabrina my favourite niece) got warded to KPMC Kajang as she was about due to give birth.

My wife rested at house with anxiety.

And so, on the Sunday, we went to KPMC Kajang together with my mother/father-in law, together with Sabrina.

Last 26 March 2017, my sister-in-law, a.k.a. Sabrina's mom (Sabrina my favourite niece), gave birth to a cute litte girl about 6.20pm.
My mother came around the evening after Maghrib with my step-dad.


 What I saw, was not only about the cuteness of a little girl, but also the turmoils of giving birth and the pain afterwards.

There was few times where the floor were covered with blood, as my sister in law was struggling to go to toilet and almost fainted.

I almost got angry with some of the relatives, whom are cousins of wife, young girls whom shrieks and laughs loudly taking selfies and wefies with the young niece of mine.
Why?

Because I knew the mother was in deep pain and helpless, and she felt helpless looking at young girls who went taking photos.
Luckily my mother-in-law, whom from Malacca had a fierce mouth, as most Malaccans do.


My mother who came, chit-chatted with the relatives of her in-laws, and she had this somehow sorrow teary melancholic look.

She iterated few times these words.

"Motherhood, you don't know how painful it felt, all that pain just to see your kid smile".

My mother-in-law and myself couldn't help noticing my mom's words and reaction.
 But silence is sometimes the best we could offer at times like that.


28 March 2017, my birthday, wife is working, I just finished one freelance job the week before so I'm free like a bird, and so that afternoon, I went to mom's house at Kajang from Subang.

Stopped by at RNR Serdang, bought some mangoes "milk-mangoes" a.k.a. mangga susu.
RM20.00 per kilo, but it was worth it.
It was "milky" and sweet.

Went around Kajang town with mom but I told her I wanted her chicken curry she cooked some days before. So we had our lunch together at her house.

After lunch, we chit-chatted together.

Somehow I learned of her latest heart-break.


I learned something from her latest heart-break.

When you are angry or upset, please keep quiet and don't say anything.

Usually what happens, is that most of the time, you'll hurt the loved ones most.

Up to an extent, loved ones just felt hurt and doesn't want to care even though she cares.

If you look it at some different view, different angle, you'll see that, we always hurt those closest to us, and not those who are apart, i.e. friends, colleagues.
Ironic, isn't it?

The heart-break was caused from an anger that actually arose out of nothing, small non-essential issues.

So I tried contacting that "special-someone" for a chit-chat to know why he had cause my mom's heart-break.

Since it was my birthday, I thought it was ok for him to have a drink with me.

There was no reply on my call or on my Whatsapp.

Nevertheless, the mood was good since it was my birthday, furthermore, we received news that my cousin delivered a baby-girl at the morning of my birthday.


On late Wednesday, my wife returned home early, had an off day on Thursday, and she started late on afternoon shift on Friday.

So we're off to Cheras from Subang, rented a hotel nearby my father-in-law house, visiting the family and the new-born baby.
(In Malay custom, usually the mother who just given birth are under "pantang" and under the care of the "elders", in this case it is my mother in law).

During our stay there, of course my wife and I were happy seeing our new-born niece.

But Sabrina threw tantrum nowdays, since she got less attention from her mom.

"Motherhood, you don't know how painful it felt, all that pain just to see your kid smile".

I saw how difficult for my sister-in-law to handle the situation, but she made it.

Somehow Sabrina now have to learn being an older sister.



We celebrated my father-in-law's birthday on March 30'th with a feast of Durian and coconut juice.

We brought home some Durian fruit back to mom-in-law's house, with KFC bucket.

While we're enjoying our dinner, I received an SMS.


It was from the "special-someone".

 It was shocking.


He told me he deleted his Whatsapp and no longer using the phone that we bought for him.

He told me he put the handphone inside the freezer.
The freezer, the refrigerator, that mechanical equipment that cools things and we're supposed to put ice-cream instead of a phone.

I replied that it was "zalim" to put things not at its rightful place. Zalim can be meant "despotic" and it is usually used to describe despotic-ness, and it's Arab mindset that imply despotic-ness came from not putting things at its correct place.

He replied angrily and that was when I realised something.

 
It's a mental problem.

To me, I realised, it was mental problem that was caused by previous substance abuse.

For women out-there, (because men seldom reads this blog thing), if a guy did any substance abuse, just reject him please.

Any substance abuse, including drinking, smoking weed, glue-sniffing even though it is perceived as minimal kinda thing.

One of the days the brain will somehow short-circuited. Some days after, usually when you need him most.

There's no reason for anyone to get into substance abuse other than reason of being cool, and the other thing is getting "high" about it makes you creative or whatever.

The addiction kills, and what people doesn't realise is, it really screws your brain, sometime after.


Remember on my previous post, about a writer whom I befriended in FB?

Her mom was in his friendlist. One day he put in his timeline that he doesn't have any money left, and her mom replied in the FB if he need financial assistance.

When he put about smoking weed session in his timeline, imagine how his mother felt reading about it?
"Motherhood, you don't know how painful it felt, all that pain just to see your kid smile".

All the pain of giving birth, the sacrifice, tears, sweat of making sure your kid is ok and somehow,
your kid drowned in the end.

It is disheartening.

Love your mother. Always.


Massive Attack - Teardrop
 
Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me, makes me lighter

Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath


Night, night after day
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath


Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath


Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my...


Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire
Of a confession
Fearless on my breath


Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath


Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath


You stumbling a little

 You stumbling a little

Photo Source :
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