I just share with you guys something which got me into tears last Friday before the wedding.
And I was in the same emotion when I woke up this morning to wear the wedding dress.
And I was in the same emotion inside the my uncle's car, sleeping without a care of anything.
And I was in the same emotion when I recited the solemn vow this morning. I didn't panic, I even smile.
And I was in the same emotion when I wrote this blog posting.
And I was in the same emotion when I cropped Sabrina's photo to Enya's "Anywhere is".
It was on Friday morning, with my mom, early morning when we went to my father's grave.
There was something dim going around in the family which my mom and I felt sad about, bitterness and despair of some people.
And so, we went to my father's grave as we intended.
1 : Peace
We found that the area of my father's grave together with other people's grave were cleared and cleaned off.
As if he was waiting for us to come.
Then we wished our prayers and recited Surah Yasin to my father.
Then I felt my heart is heavy when I come about these words.
"Salamun Qaulam Min Rabbi Rahim" : Verse 58 which means Peace, the word from the God Most Merciful.
The verse is a continuity from Verse 55 of the same Surah Yasin which describes the condition of the people in Heaven.
What struck me was the realisation, that those people in Heaven, the word around was Peace.
There will be no hatred cursing words, long polemic discussion, never-ending debates, fighting among each other.
All there is, is Peace.
I reflected all bitter hostilities with others throughout my life at that moment.
Then I realised.
Those bitter discussion, whether is right or wrong, true or false, is meaningless.
Those long polemic debates, of this and that, is nothing.
Those words of disagreement, is actually vull and noid.
What matters is where you'll be after you die.
Even if you're smartass and kinda hell of genius, what matters is whether you achieved the neverending peace.
It's never about right or wrong. It's about achieving that peace.
The day God himself call upon you, Peace.
And so all the fights, disagreements, is nothing. Why should you be bothered much anyway?
That was the idea that struck me that time.
2 : Nevermind
During those heavy emotions, I realised, whatever shit gonna be happening the next day, ie. the wedding day,
I will still get married, insyaAllah. And I did.
I don't have to think much. Just saviour the moments.
Malaysian culture always try to scare off bridegrooms that they had to recite many bloody times the recital vows until it is perfect, then only it will seen as legal and accepted by the Islamic authorities.
I realised, hell, no matter what, the Islamic Qadhi will still have to approve it.
Because they couldn't come again at any other time. They had to approve it at that time.
Whether the dining wasn't correct, people could not get food, millions of worries that bride/bridegrooms and their families faced through, some minor things that mom worries about,
no matter what,
there will still be a wedding,
unless some freak accident took away your life or your bride's, which is something that you can't control by the way.
So just be relax.
Some minor thing will happen.
People will talk some shit.
But over time, all that people remembered is there was a wedding.
Life is imperfect and so is wedding and marriage.
3 : Anywhere Is
After we completed our prayers, my mom and I fell into deep silence.
Each of us had a dialogue with my deceased father, I guess. Well I'm sure I did.
I told him in silence, inside my heart, I'm getting married the next day. Be happy. Be in peace. Please.
Even though there was no reply, the feeling was serene.
I said many prayers to God so that my father will be in peace.
Then I realised,
Even if I am there at that moment with my father, with him lying underground and I'm there speaking to him tenderly, we're still not together.
"You go there you're gone forever
I go there I'll lose my way
If we stay here we're not together
Anywhere is"
- Enya's Anywhere Is
I walked back to the car trying to hold my tears.
I realised then we can't really choose people who we want to be together with.
Even my bride. Even though I did chose her, but if we never met in this lifetime, we'll never will.
And so why bother much with people whom you hate or in bitterness with you.
Don't care with it.
Special is the moment and the people you're with at that time.
And no matter how much I would love to see my father,
"we stay here we're not together, anywhere is"
Enya - Anywhere Is
I walk the maze of moments
But everywhere I turn to
Begins a new beginning
But never finds a finish
I walk to the horizon
And there I find another
It all seems so surprising
And then I find that I know
You go there you're gone forever
I go there I'll lose my way
If we stay here we're not together
Anywhere is
The moon upon the ocean
Is swept around in motion
But without ever knowing
The reason for its flowing
In motion on the ocean
The moon still keeps on moving
The waves still keep on waving
And I still keep on going
You go there you're gone forever
I go there I'll lose my way
If we stay here we're not together
Anywhere is
I wonder if the stars sign
The life that is to be mine
And would they let their light shine
Enough for me to follow
I look up to the heavens
But night has clouded over
No spark of constellation
No Vela no Orion
The shells upon the warm sands
Have taken from their own lands
The echo of their story
But all I hear are low sounds
As pillow words are weaving
And willow waves are leaving
But should I be believing
That I am only dreaming
You go there you're gone forever
I go there I'll lose my way
If we stay here we're not together
Anywhere is
To leave the tread of all time
And let it make a dark line
In hopes that I can still find
The way back to the moment
I took the turn and turned to
Begin a new beginning
Still looking for the answer
I cannot find the finish
It's either this or that way
It's one way or the other
It should be one direction
It could be on reflection
The turn I have just taken
The turn that I was making
I might be just beginning
I might be near the end.