I remembered the night my father passed away, alone at UM General Hospital.
I was there with him earlier that night, he asked of my mom, but I couldn't answer.
I went back around 11pm that night, then around 3am in the morning I received a call saying my father was in critical state, or what Malays call as "nazak"
By the time I arrived, he was gone.
I sat alone beside his deathbed, that time I wasn't feeling sad, but instead I feel some sort of morbidity.
The possibility of dying alone, amidst of having possessions and loving family.
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When I was studying at UM, I wasn't a smart guy. I nearly got expelled.
What happened then, I become more reclusive, yet maintaining close friendship with guys I knew with.
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Then around the final years, I read Walden by Henry David Thoreau.
The same time, I was also joining Islamic Tabligh but I think who I am now, were shaped by those moments when I reached for my small self, during the final years at UM.
It was this time, I read Ihya Ulumiddin by Imam Ghazali, Tanbihul Ghafilin by Abul Laits As Samarqandi.
I even found there are points in the Ihya Ulumiddin which are agreeable and reflected again in Thoreau's Walden, i.e. about the 4 basic necessities of life and how
governance flourish from small communities into big state.
I bought many philosophical books during this time, either Islamic or Western ones.
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I went to Dubai straight after UM, I think the spirit of self-reliance and self wander-ment helps a lot being alone at a country far away.
After the economic crash of 2008/2009, I went back to Malaysia and went to Bintulu, far away from my hometown Kajang.
Even though I'm getting married, I think that small space I create for myself, and only for myself, is crucial.
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Morbid Angel - Desolate Ways
Morbid Angel - Desolate Ways (Piano)
Morbid Angel - In Remembrance
Apologies for typo errors and grammatical mistakes in the first draft of this blog that causes your cell brains to be cancerous.
Long Live Grammar Nazi!
