Friday, 14 June 2013

Write on rocks what you feel

You can crush me as I speak,
Write on rocks what you feel...

Head Dirt - Godflesh from Streetcleaner (1989)

I learn of Godflesh in 2004, bought the cassette tape of StreetCleaner at Wisma Campbell near Sogo Plaza.

The accident was the cassette tape had a recording error. It doesn't start with the first track, Like Rats. Instead it started on the almost on the end section of Dream Long Dead track, and going into the track Head Dirt.

And so it happened that my first words I heard ever from Justin Broadrick was of the lyric Head Dirt mentioned above, while looking at the inlay photo you attached above.

It felt eerie, and it felt beautiful.


I think I'm a little bit spastic or  autistic, in the way that I'm a dull boring conversationalist. Actually, I tend to speak a lot, but the theme and idea were very disperse here and there.

And so I think I grew up not having lots of friends, fortunately that means those who sticks around with me tends to end up as close friends.

I'm a poor at socialising. Yet most of my friends/colleagues find that my thinking as a bit unique, "funny and weird" and they're happy that way.

But it's not so helpful when it comes to getting chicks. I'm a bloody failure at this.

Writing helps to recoordinate all those dispersive thinkings into one fruitful theme, and so I liked writing.

But being a poor social animal who liked writing, there's one theme that I'm sharing now as I speak (write)


Being  a poor social animal, only God knows how many times I were rejected or felt rejected, socially.

But the words of "Write on rocks what you feel", stuck in my head, from that first listening in 2003 and ever since.

I realised the reason why I write. And why I should continue writing.

I don't write for followers or to attract people. I don't write for profit. The rejections through out this 31 yrs of life made me not giving a damn about other people.

I realised this while looking at Facebook timeline.

You see, when you speak, or when you commented on the Facebook, do you wonder where will the thoughts that drive the speech and writing go?

I realised that most thoughts that drive our speech and that posting/commenting, usually gone forgotten.

But if I write those thoughts on something, on some media, then the thoughts will be forever embedded, just like the carving of writing of ancient ones on rock tablets.

It'll felt like Banksy grafitti. It'll felt that even though you're gone and forgotten, a part of your existence is still somewhere in the writing of rocks.
It'll probably felt like the same feeling that JD Salinger felt when writing.

Those writing of mine proved I exist. it proved that I'm different from other living creatures because I think. The writings proved that I think and that I exist.

And so this is the reason I wrote on Tumblr.

That's why I closed the comment section on all my blogs.

Because it's a matter of my existence being recorded electronically.

Because in actual life, I try to be self sufficient, not depending on other people as much as possible, and I would like to implement that in my writing.

And also, if I allowed the comments section, I'm exposing my self to the risks of being crushed by other people weighty words which felt like rocks.