YANG TERAMPAS DAN YANG PUTUS
(The Seized and the Severed)
kelam dan angin lalu mempesiang diriku,
(the darkness and passing wind overtake me)
menggigir juga ruang di mana dia yang kuingin,
(and the room where the one I long for shivers)
malam tambah merasuk, rimba jadi semati tugu
(with night’s penetration; trees stand like dead memorials)
di Karet, di Karet (daerahku yang akan datang) sampai juga deru dingin
(but in Karet, yes, Karet Cemetery – my future locale – there, the wind howls, too )
aku berbenah dalam kamar, dalam diriku jika kau datang
(I put my room in order, and myself as well, in the chance that you might come)
dan aku bisa lagi lepaskan kisah baru padamu;
(and I may once again unleash a new story for you;)
tapi kini hanya tangan yang bergerak lantang
(but now it’s only my hands that move, emptily)
tubuhku diam dan sendiri, cerita dan peristiwa berlalu beku
(my body is still and alone, as frozen stories and events pass by)
(Chairil Anwar - 1949)
http://www.seasite.niu.edu/flin/literature/chairil-anwar_lat15.html
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Kajang Muslim Cemetary yard, Sungai Kantan, near Masjid Jamek
I went to visit my father last Friday.
Kajang Muslim’s Cemetary Yard (Sungai Kantan) - front gate
My father’s physical village, January 2013.
Before going in, I gave a prayers and wish of peace (salam) to everyone here.
Wish of Peace to the occupants of this village, from the people of the believers and the saved ones. May God bless those who came before and afterwards. And truly, By God will, we shall follow you afterwards.
And so I walked in.
Walk on. I said to myself.
The other occupants of this village. May God bless them.
See the green building? That is where the folks prepared the necessary items needed to bury ones bodies during funeral.
My father’s final place is still far beyond this point.
I have to walk thru.
The small road leading to father’s final home.
And here lies my father.
He was buried here years before.
He didn’t achieve the age of 50 by the time he breathed his last.
The writing on the nesan stone has already blurred.
But lucky, it still can be readable.
The thing is, I knew where my father lies.
But, I will never know where on earth will my body will finally lies..
But we don’t know just where our bones will rest,
To dust I guess,
Forgotten and absorbed to the earth below.
- 1979 by Smashing Pumpkins.
I said a few prayers then, a few prayers as I always read here in this final resting place of my father.
O Lord, forgive me and my parents in the Hereafter.
O Lord, show mercy on them as they have nourished me when I was young.
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I remembered when I was small.
My father took me and put me on his lap.
Then he smiled at me as I smiled back at him.
O Lord, show mercy on him as he have nourished me when I was young.
I remembered when I was small.
I was 3 or 4 years of age that time I think.
He was laying down and he asks
“tolong pijak belakang abah” (can you go up and walk on top of my back, as so to give me a massage? - rough translation)
O Lord, show mercy on him as he have nourished me when I was young.
Mom used to say that when I was of 3 years of age, I was able to read the newspaper.
The story was upon one day, I took the newspaper, look at the TV broadcast channel program, look at the watch at our house and immediately I ran to the TV set, switch on the TV, and switch on to watch the cartoons.
Mom and Dad was astounded to find that I could read..so they bought me lots of Gila Gila comics to enhance my liking to reading.
Dad used to buy those Gila Gila comics just for me to read.
O Lord, show mercy on him as he have nourished me when I was young.
Dad used to bring us to Stadium Negara, there was a park there before where my brother and I would play, running here and there, while waiting for Mom to finish her duties in Kwong Yik Bank Jalan Imbi.
O Lord, show mercy on him as he have nourished me when I was young.
All the good memories of him, glimpses, vision, all played in my head while I was standing beside him there.
O Lord, show mercy on him as he have nourished me when I was young.
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Then for few minutes, my mind was taken by reflections of my small life.
Do you know, Firdaus..
In the end, we are just a mere fractions of this earth..
Nothing but mere fractions.
You got quite the easy path, Firdaus, rather than your non-malays friends..
After SPM, you went to Matriculation, then went to UM to study Mechanical..
Then become an engineer…then what?
Time after time, breath after breath, in the end your body will become one with the earth.
When? No one knows.
By the time I stood there beside my father, my mind is quite perplexed by the recent conflicts in life…
Family life = not so good.
Sibling relationship = not so good.
Work = recently resign from engineering job.
Love = no love life, all just mind manipulation of people needing attention and control. Got rid of it anyway.
Money = just enough to survive.
So where do I go from here?
I kind of realized, before I take a step to move forward, I must be careful where I stand.
Careful where you stand.
I realized that I’m not footing on solid ground, might slip here and there.
But all hope’s not lost.
Then I remembered the lyric in “For Whom The Bell Tolls”- Metallica.
Stiffened wounds test their pride.
Then I understood.
All this affliction, all this wounds are here to test myself.
Just like Churchill on his speech to the Commons during World War 2.
“We shall go on to the end….
We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans..
We shall fight, with growing confidence and growing strength in the air..
We shall defend our island, whatever the cost maybe..
We shall fight on the beaches,
We shall fight on the landing ground,
We shall fight in the fields and in the streams,
We shall fight in the hills,
We shall never surrender!”
All this affliction, all this wounds are here to test myself.
I realized.
That you should do what you should do. And let God decide what is the outcome.
Let God decide where I shall fall.
But upon myself I shall decide where I shall set firm my next footsteps.
And guide me through out this path of life so that the end will be blessed.
Amin.
I said a prayer again to my father, then I slowly walked out.
May God bless us all and place us among the pious and the truthful ones.
O Lord, forgive me and my parents in the Hereafter.
O Lord, show mercy on them as they have nourished me when I was young.
I slowly walked out upon the village and onto the living madness of the city of Kajang.
“People have round shoulders for fairing heavy loads”
– Ashes in your mouth, Megadeth
The weight of the world is just not on my shoulders, it’s on everybody.
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I guess, by some point in life, anyone gets confused.
What if the world does turn and if London burns? * (Anyone can play guitar, radiohead, Pablo honey)
We can’t really afford to be Jim Morrison, grow some hair and caught drowning.
I just knew, you just got to stop for a minute.
Stop and look before you cross the street.
Use your eyes before you use your feet.
Look right, left and right again.
It will stop you from accidents and pain.
Then you don’t just stand there. Start walking.
Leave unto God’s what is God’s,
Just walk ahead.
Save yourself from the worry.
Because in the end, if everyone and everything is still broken, at least you did your best.
Because in the end, everything, everything is in its right place.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=onRk0sjSgFU