This writing is Malaysian in nature.
Honestly this idea of writing came out while reading cursingmalay.blogspot.com regarding gays in Malaysia.
This is not a reaction to that, it’s merely a thought that comes forth while thinking about it.
My views on gays in Malaysia, is actually about kids.
This is not about me being homophobic. It’s just that I think I figured out the “why” part.
What happens today was, kind of like the story at buasirotak.blogspot.com of a kid who masturbates inside a cybercafé while watching pornography.
I went to a cybercafé today, and at the end of the session, I went to a counter to pay the remaining dues.
And so, I watched a male kid, barely 10-12 yrs old, opening a facebook page of nude girls and he chose to save a nude photo of a lady with pair of big boobs.
Honestly, if that guy was an adult, I wouldn’t give a damn, because it’s his private space and he could spend all his hard-earned money for whatever reason that I shouldn’t be bothered about.
But then, it was a kid, 10-12 yrs old, surrounded by his other kid-friends, who made a large “waaaaa” when he saved the photo.
I screamed at that kid.
Me : “What the hell are you watching that porno?, You are not even mature enough to reach puberty?”
Kid : chill bro, it’s just fun.
Me : Yeah, but your fun is fake.
Kid : What do you mean?
Me : Seriously kid, are you going to masturbate over that? No, right? Because you have not reached puberty yet.
Kid : chill bro.
Me : I know why it’s fun to you. Because it made you feel cool in front of this bastards, right? (pointing to his other friend)
Kid : (Not uttering a single word)
Me : Kid, if you’re an adult, I could pity and understand your needs. But it’s not yet a need for you, you are not doing it for lust, you are doing it because you want to look cool! And hell, it’s fake.
Kid : (Not uttering a single word)
Me : If you think this is cool, then you are wrecking yourself. You know why I screamed at you?
Kid : sorry bro.
Me : Because you couldn’t respect yourself. Your need to be cool is more important than your self-respect. I screamed at you because I don’t respect people who couldn’t respect themselves, bro.
Kid : sorry bro.
Me : Kid, If you growup long enough, your bastard friends would remember you as a kid who downloaded porn. You think they respected you then? Nope.
I didn’t feel a need to flinch open a religious book or whatsoever. Because I knew that feeling as a kid. The need to have an identity, peer pressure and acceptance.
I had a few gay friends back then, 1 in Kajang during my growing up, and another is a guy who studied on the same Matriculation College as mine.
You think that they become soft because they had certain defects.
It’s because that’s an identity that they choose while growing up.
And worse, they mixed around with other members who felt the same way, and the group feeling reinforces their identity to gay.
But I don’t hate them. I studied with them, and basically, I didn’t try to convert them because I myself was looking for an identity myself.
It’s all part of a growing up process. And people make mistakes.
I did. When I was in High School, I had a nickname, which to this day, I regret. Nevertheless, when I see old schoolmates, I told them not to call me by that nickname.
I found my identity, through my growing up with a strict father, but I found my outlet of resentment by my music.
And so at the age of 17, I shaved my head bald, because of that poster photo of Phil Anselmo of Pantera.
It was further reinforced, when at that same year, WWF Smackdown featured in TV3 at 10 pm, where Stone Cold Steve Austin made that famous “stunner” act.
I was a nerdish and a very emotionally weak guy who got battered daily by my father then. But that music which questions everything, authority, laws, ideas and politics kept my mind open and wanting to be great.
Like the Slayer band, yeah, the lyrics from the album Hell Awaits speaks of Satanism and demonic things, but to me, it’s not the Satanism/demonic image that excites me.
It’s the aggression of life that made me like Slayer. The satanic/demonic thing is just a spooky effect. It’s that just these guys wanting to play a music that is fast and extreme.
Since I feel battered about my life, aggression fuels me to go forward. Or in Pantera’s music, the need to be Far beyond driven. Grindcore questions politics. Death Metals talks about morbidity and how shallow this life is.
I don’t give a shit to those trendy kids who wanting to be Black metal or Goth kids who throw up religious books, because I knew, the kids were wanting to be cool, and further deep inside, they were looking for an identity to be accepted.
I listened to Black Metal, had the same level of enjoyment, yet I knew those satanic/demonic is just a spooky effect.
It’s the aggression in the music that excites me.
The same spooky effect you get while you’re watching gory movies.
But then, those kids and friends who end up being gay, maybe they had not the opportunity to choose this.
Nevertheless, the gay kids, I wonder, is it really that you are feel more towards men, or is it just an identity you feel cool with?
From my experience, it’s the latter.
Then, don’t preach that gay is cool and should be accepted as a norm.
Just because it fits you, then you want others to feel pity towards you.
I will interact with you like other guys, with respect, if you respect me back.
But don’t go around preaching that’s it’s a norm. Because it’s not. Because in fact, it’s not a trend, it’s a sexual preference. Or in my friend’s case, it’s because it’s cool being feminine.
Now, if gay is a cool trend and it felt nice to feel that way, let me tell you something.
By the time you get older, you will find on one honest moment, you will question yourself about the values that you felt cool with.
We all get older, or we just die young.
The thing is, when you get older, it’s hard to go back. You will feel an identity crisis. And it might haunt you.
The thing is, this gay, masturbation by kids ain’t reaching puberty, illicit things, drugs, it’s all about choices one made.
It’s not a desease . It’s an option. It’s a choice.
But then, that’s life. Everybody, including myself, we all got our dues in life to pay.
Note : I didn’t quote any religious text or so. Just street-speak, from an adult to another adult. Anyway the point of this, is telling these kids, this things are choices. And these things ain’t cool, brother.