Sunday, 4 August 2013

save a prayer




This article/writing is personal in nature. Nevertheless, I ask those who read this, not to delve so much about the characters, but to ponder the meaning of a prayer.

8th August is a holiday in Malaysia, and so this coming week, I actually pledge myself not to write anything, and enjoy the holidays.

Yet I couldn’t help my self, feeling like being pierced into thousand pieces, scratched into thousand scars, broken into infinite parts like a broken glass shattered. Yet no matter how shattered it felt, this pain serves as a prayer, a beautiful prayer, like those poems recited with roses smelled so fragrant, like a meaning so deep.

Which I will share with you now.

The personal story behind this is about my family, my mother has remarried to a guy, but my brother couldn’t see eye to eye with his stepfather.

And so at this morning, my mom and I together with little brother, went again for a visit to my father’s grave. After that, a small fight/disagreement occurs between my mom and my brother.

In the end, this holiday, we went to our separate ways, like always, brother will spend his holidays alone, my mom and stepfather will go on a holiday visiting relatives with me joining them.

No, this is not a sorry state story for you readers to feel shit. Read further. This is about a prayer.

What hurts me most of this incident, is that my mom shed tears.

I hate looking at her shoddy teary eyes, because it’s so often.

And so today, I prayed, that she will never shed tears again.

And it worked.

I spent the evening together with my mom, eating happily to our dinner, and I saw her beautiful smile again. Stepfather is not in the house, he’s hundred kilometers away from home doing his job.

I saw her beautiful smile, beautiful laugh, of a love that a mother could give to her son, while we were eating murtabak (Malaysian pizza) while watching sitcoms on TV.

Then she mention about my brother, how sorry she felt that he couldn’t be together.

What she said strikes me, like a lightning striking to a garden of roses in the middle of a green field.
She said “I wonder if this is the last Ramadan I ever spent time with my kids”.

I told her no, do not wish like that, please.

Then I remembered about my prayer, of her not shedding any tears anymore.

I realized that one solution God might do for not letting her shed tears anymore, is by taking her away from me.

And so, I realized, my prayer is a mistake.

No, God, this is not what I want.

And so, I prayed again, to that infinite wisdom of the universe, do not let this be taken away from me until I’m ready.

Not now, not today, not tomorrow, not this year, not next year nor another years coming.

“Please, if things are broken and can’t be amended, let it stay as what it is, for sometime, because from every tears, there will come a moment which put forth  another beautiful smile, and beautiful laughs from the people I treasure the most”.

I can be patient with distance and separation. But I ain’t sure if I can be patient with things or people being taken away.

Someday all things might be gone, I knew.

And so I prayed to that infinite wisdom of the universe, please. I’m sorry for wishing my earlier prayers.

If tears are shed, so be it. But please don’t take away the chance of another beautiful smile at other coming days ahead.

Sorry if you readers felt shit and sorry about this writing. Just that some prayers, I think, are regretful, no matter how well-intent. Happy Hari Raya and enjoy your holidays :)

video

this song knocks into my heart while I was in UM in 2003, of how despair and helpless this life is, and yet the despair and helplessness is what makes it so alive.

Who's in a bunker?
Who's in a bunker?
Women and children first
And the children first
And the children

I'll laugh until my head comes off
I'll swallow till I burst
Until I burst
Until I

Who's in a bunker?
Who's in a bunker?
I have seen too much
I haven't seen enough
You haven't seen it

I'll laugh until my head comes off
Women and children first
And children first
And children

Here I'm alive
Everything all of the time
Here I'm alive
Everything all of the time

Ice age coming
Ice age coming
Let me hear both sides
Let me hear both sides
Let me hear both

Ice age coming
Ice age coming
Throw it in the fire
Throw it in the fire
Throw it on the

We're not scaremongering
This is really happening
Happening
We're not scaremongering
This is really happening
Happening

Mobiles squerking
Mobiles chirping
Take the money run
Take the money run
Take the money

Here I'm alive
Everything all of the time
Here I'm alive
Everything all of the time

Here I'm alive
Everything all of the time
Here I'm alive
Everything all of the time  


Idioteque by Radiohead, taken from its magnum opus Kid A album (2000)